An Almost Happy Ending

November 29^th 2004

Rave reviews

Gosh! Seva gave such an amazing feedback about the movie. CANNOT BELIEVE IT! She said if it weren’t for me the movie was unwatchable. I mean that’s amazing feedback for me- -not the movie. Well of course that’s because she is my friend and stuff, but she said she saw it through her usual film critic angle-which of course she DID NOT. But anyways a compliment is a compliment. She went on to say I could be a great comedienne if I ever chose to which of course I shan’t.

Even Navika said more or less what Seva did about me lightening the movie up and making it watchable. Navika’s mom said “The woman carried it off!”

Happy Long Life!

This friend of mien is a great person. She knows so much about so many things. She has immense understanding, insight and intuition. She has tremendous intelligence and sensitivity. Yet she is so ill all the time. It is so UNFAIR. WHY THE GREAT THE WORTHY ALWAYS MADE TO ARE SUFFER? OR DOES THEIR SUFFERING MAKE them great and worthy?

I don’t know seriously. Today she said so many things beyond my comprehension –things which both of us knew I’d never understand. Well she told me of her vision, her ambition, and her thoughts, ideas ways of spending time far more brilliant and unimaginable than mine or that of most others. She knows she’s smarter than most and she knows she is different. She can’t make even me –whom she probably thought she had some chance of understanding –understand her. She wants o tod so many things. But she is certain she will get cancer and diabetes and god knows what. WHY THIS CERTIANITY? I tried to say “No, don’t believe it. Only if you believe it will it happen” and stuff like that. But she threw in her favourite line “he who knows and knows that he knows is wise”. I am trying to be wise.

She knows she is great but doesn’t want to live, why? I don’t know. I really really want her to live a LONG HAPPY LIFE SO FULL OF JOY AND SUCCESS AND ACHIEVEMNTS WHICH CHANGE THE WORLD UNLIKE ANY OTHER SO FAR. I PRAY O GOD, PLEASE. (And I say AMEN to that-moichee)

19th November 2010

Dubbing …

Hi, at last my part of the movie is over. Poor thing J still has to do his recording on Sunday between his exams.
We did the recording last night. We reached the studio at about 8.15 p.m. and they said it would be free in half-an-hour. Then they said another half-an-hour, another half –an-hour and when they said this once more, since everyone except Supraniti’s brother and I hadn’t had dinner, we went to Swati and ate some stuff. Then we went back and after two or three “ten minutes” and “five minutes”, we were able to start. Supraniti’s mother did her part first, then her brother then the director and then me. Ok in detail…
I left home around 7 p.m. and Akku dropped me at a friends place and we took an auto to reach the studio. After we went and ate dinner and came back, the producer joined us. Boy, he is funny. He kept cracking jokes and kept us all laughing non-stop. When we finally got into the studio, Supraniti’s mom started recording. Then Amma called saying she is outside. We went and had lovely masala chai nearby. We went back and amma and thatha came up to watch the fun. After the others finished finally it was my turn. I went on for ages and in between the producer did one role and kept cracking jokes. We were all literally rolling in laughter. Amma did a couple of voices as ‘Swapna’ and Becky Thatcher. The producer went who is Margaret Thatcher. When we were waiting the conversation in between Supraniti and her brother in ‘shudh hindi” was so funny. Everyone contributed to the giggles. Anyways I finished my part around 3 am in the morning. I felt so guilty at making Amma wait. At home Appa got anxious and Pati could hardly sleep and I had so many takes. I also felt bad since only I seemed to be making a nuisance of myself. I was the only one complaining about exams though others too had them from the next day. Also I felt that only my family was put into frenzy. I was the only one upsetting everyone.
The others, especially Supraniti, were so cooperative and helpful and had so much solidarity and team spirit and comradeship and stuff. I felt awful. I think the best thing about this movie experience was I met someone my age who was as intelligent, sensitive, balanced mature and yet genuinely nice and friendly as Supraniti . She is really great and I have learnt a lot from her though I think it will be AGES before I can apply any of those qualities in my life. She is REALLY great and I admire her. Hope I can adopt a few of her characteristics. I’ll try.

MOVIE DUBBING

9th November 2004
College News
Poor Prathiksha –her leg’s gotten all swollen up because she had an accident on the day of her marketing practical exam. Its too bad poor thing! Her attendance is pathetic. Maybe its all for the good –maybe she’ll go join some university in the US like her Mom wants her to do. Pray she gets Ok soon. One of our professors also hurt her leg in the accident. (Was it the same accident? Not clear to me though she uses “the”). She has more or less recovered but the break has done her good.
Psycho class on thinking today. Though we didn’t really do much sticking to the chapters we had very interesting discussions. At least I found it interesting and relevant to my life. It was bout choices mostly and that being one of my all time favourites quite killed me. Our Prof is very nice and she seems to have similar ‘basics’ as me. I mean many of her characteristics are quite like mine. Her way of thinking, the examples she gives –so I kind of relate to her. She has overcome her defects SO well that it’s really amazing. I really respect her.

15th November 2004
Prima Donna Stuff!
I don’t understand why this Amma has such lack of interest in any thing that seems important to me and such overly FAKE interest and excitement about everything I so DETEST in MY life. I guess I’m side stepping the main issue, comme d’habitude (as usual).
I have decided to quit eh goddammed movie. I have 2 options.
1. wait for the director to call and ask me if I practices and then say I didn’t and get him a little worked up and stop him when we starts sermonising like so. “Mr. Director, when I agreed to take part in this movie, you told me it will be done in a week or two. That’s why I agreed. You drag it for months so that the recording is just when my exams are approaching and do you expect me to leave everything to do this? My father’s right, I should have asked for a written contract. But NO! You shoot this movie in a week and you believe me, for the time you took, the editing is pathetic and the movie as whole is so unimaginable repulsive. I could go on for days pointing out its shortcomings but I don’t know if you would ever bother to listen. But I must give you some advice for your next movie though I hope you never one-please be professional. Try to work efficiently and give your co-workers minimum respect by at least informing them what exactly you expect of tem and when. Another thing, it’s not professional to call at 10.30 p.m and say do this at 5 .00 tomorrow morning. Ask them if it is possible. Respect their time and I don’t just mean thankyous and sorrys. I have wasted enough time on the movie-I’m done and I’m willing to return your money with interest. Nothing you say is going to change this and the pity appeal has gone far enough. I don’t want to meet you or speak to you and waste more of my time. I’ll give the book and your money to S. Collect it!”
2. Could call and say I’m dropping out. Wait for his predictable response and then blast off in much the same pattern.
I guess I’ll wait for him to call, if he doesn’t then I’ll call and use option 2. Of course option 1 is my personal favourite as it also saves my phone bill. Or maybe I should call ask him to call back and then blast him. I guess that’s too cool. But it is also too cheap. Ramaramaramarama… please God help me and make this happen today!

Its 1:15 in the afternoon. I just called the Director and told him I can’t do it. Hammayya! I sure am glad to escape. But darn it-I didn’t tell him any of the stuff I wrote about and planned to. The entire discussion was far more civilised than I expected it to be. But he wants to know why exactly I want to leave. He want s me to email him today .what do I say?

DARNATION! I actually called back and said I’d do it because I was feeling so bloody guilty for ditching at the last moment in so ruthless a manner. Damn me. But I feel better!

Basic Questions

28th October 2004
Basic questions
So often in life in spite of the aimless pointless wanderings one comes back to certain basic things.
The ever evasive happiness seems to be one such thing. Sometimes I get to wondering if happiness does really exist or it is just wishful thinking has made folks come up with the concept. I don’t know, but memory takes me back to times which now seem to me to have been happy, fascinating, wonderful and extraordinary (though when they occurred did not seem extraordinary or even happy as such and on the whole were rather prosaic).
Does nostalgia blur memory? But I do remember horrible times too, times which seem totally terrible even now-where’s nostalgia there?

6th November 2004
Do all these equal opportunities things in some way break the natur4al order or the way of life? Free compulsory education pushes down such typical stuff down throats of zillions of children-most of this totally inutile. Where is the specialised knowledge that can be learnt best when young? What is happening to all that? Is a whole way of life dying out? Is everyone being cast into the same mould in this age of specialisation?
Can we really know so much of everything? What IS a “basic idea”? How basic is it and how necessary? Can we learn skills through all this education? Smithy, pottery, farming, hunting, fishing, trade? Or any one of these at least? Is it fair to kill life styles to kill culture in the name of equal opportunities?
But then who decided who is born to a weaver who to a chemist and who to a prime minister? Shouldn’t all of us have some chance of becoming any of these things? Why are we not allowed to truly explore and decide for ourselves? Why cannot we all be provided with the chance of not worrying about whether it is possible? I think that would be egalitarian. But what about the stuff a father teaches a son or a mother teaches a daughter? Do we not in someway lose respect for our parents and their professions because we have other options.

29th October 2004
Seeking attention
I don’t know why I long so much for attention. I don’t know why I want people to notice me ,like me, ado…re me, love me, have crushes on me, appreciate me, think I’m intelligent, think I’m beautiful, think I have a sense of humour, think all nice things about me. I have become a mendicant –begging for attention. Me, who at other times ran away from society to my much treasured privacy, me at other times who decided not to care a damn about them. I shied away from attention and hid in the shadows peeping out slowly. Why this change now?
All through my life I have always had great contempt for people who have actually valued me. But now I want them to. Now I want friends and affection when earlier I fled from every person who was nice to me and distance myself from all my friends to ensure that I got my privacy. Now this is no longer ok for me. There is no other option because once alone I go off into a reverie about me and myself-ALWAYS.
CAN I NOT SILENTLY, GOOD HUMOUREDLY, OBSERVE OTHERS, THEIR ACTIONS –I DO NOT MEAN WITH A HUGE SMILE ON MY FACE WHICH HURTS. I MEAN GENUINELY HAPPY AT OBSERVING THEM. Why am I not interested in anything other than myself or theories so distant from human beings? Why can't I observe and understand others in a quiet way that was innate in me? Why? It pains me but I don’t know. When I watch others being happy, jealousy bites and shreds my heart. Damn me.

Gone with the Wind

19th October 2004
On Veerappan’s Death
Veerappan was killed yesterday .Its really sad especially since Jayalalitha and the chief minister of Karnataka, people from the special task force (who shot him) and news reporters kind of rejoicing at his death. It is really pathetic that they can display the glee so publicly. Did he not have a cause? Yes! He made money, smuggled sandal wood and ivory. But did that make him so evil. I’ve always kind of imagined him to be like Robin Hood –doing good tot eh rural poor-always evading the police. Even in the end he won. Maybe he died but he was never imprisoned. May his soul rest in peace.

25th October 2004
On Scarlett O’Hara
There’s something that I can’t stop thinking of, but I don’t want to tell you. Apart from that the only thing I seem to be able to think of is Scarlett O’Hara fate in Gone with the Wind. I’m in the middle of doing it when I oughtn’t to be and the last thing I can concentrate on is Attention and Division of Attention. I have to make notes for the practical record and also write a letter fro my French home work and all I can think of is Scarlett O’Hara and Ashley Wilks and Melanie. It’s ridiculous. Maybe I’ll do my letter first.

1st November 2004
Just finished reading Gone with the Wind. It leaves with a feeling of emptiness which I do not want to fill. It annoys me that the blurb does little justice to the book. It is certainly not ‘a love story between Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler set in the background of the American Civil War’. It is more. It is not Rhett who matters. It’s about Scarlett, her life, change whole worlds shattering, her attempts to harden herself and it could have been anyone at anytime. It is not just a historical novel. It is a novel of a changing way of life and people and their feelings thoughts and emotions. It is not a mere fictitious history. It is a complex of things so real it could be applicable to anyone anywhere anytime.

Feeling-Free

13th October 2004
Freedom and Family
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open up to people be genuine with them –whether it’s nice or not-at least be remotely honest. Why am I so gender biased and so guys –shy though I put on this farce of being guy-ish? Why am I keen at warding off remotely possible crushes and hence treating guys with ‘no lower motives’ whatsoever with that aloof pretentious fake manner of mine? Am I in some way SO scared of all this ‘love &crap’? Am I really that shy? And is it all that bad? Is it natural? I don’t know since I’ve never felt it. Do I suppress emotions so much that I’ve become in some way unnatural? I don’t know.
I just hate myself fro being so rigid and narrow minded and unreceptive and unfriendly and warding off so many people by my unwillingness to just be friendly. Is being friends so difficult? Why am I so stuck up with imaginary family norms which don’t really exist? Yesterday Amma was telling me indirectly to use sex appeal when I’ve been striving to make myself seem like a human-being- a gender-less entity since that’s my idea of what I’d like to pretend to believe my family expects of me. Yes! There are certain things they are pretty strict, but very often I worry myself that they might worry and I’ll have to answer uncomfortable questions or I suspect that they will suspect me and I try to make sure there is no blame on me.
Akku who is from the same family has so much more freedom because she lets herself have it. She’s not so driven by family acceptance and she doesn’t need to hide stuff so much. May be I don’t need to hide myself either. May be I should let go. But I’ve always been stiff. I remember how everyone who ever taught me to dance telling me to ‘let go’. And ‘relax’. But I always thought I was pretty normal and I never could ‘let go’. In a trust fall, I never could fall freely trusting others to hold me no matter how much I tried. That’s what I’ve always been –untrusting, tense and unable to let go. So I just dismiss it as my ‘nature’ or can I ‘nurture’ myself to be different?
(I wonder who was the chap she was running away from.)
18th October 2004
True Lies!
Every time I meet this auntie in the colony, I feel this guilty awkward embarrassment because she knows me for the lair that I am. That’s the closest she got to knowing me and what did she find? “A goodly apple rotten at the core”. Pretty sad that that’s the only impression she has of ‘the real me’. She can see through all my half hearted attempts at pseudo-politeness and she can see the stupid girl as dull as to not even tell her tuition teacher her marks in a test in school. Well that’s precisely what happened.
In the 11th standard the hunt for another tuition teacher began. This aunty was discovered and a friend and I went to her house for three classes. She taught us like the first and second chapters. We had attest in school and both of us failed miserably. I went out of town and my friend who came to know our marks told her. Later when I came back I found out my marks. She asked me and I lied saying I didn’t know. I really wanted her to think I was intelligent and bright and stuff. Well she probably thought I was-only in the wrong ways. After that every time I met her I felt embarrassed and guilty and behaved weird. So now she seems to have given up hope.
(I could never understand what went wrong with that tuition arrangement. Now a minor mystery is solved!)

Mostly her self !

3rd October 2004
Hypocrisy
Boy! I’ve gotten myself into yet another hypocrisy in the name of friendship.
It’s always been so with this friend but I’ve never been able to mark it down to this. I’m the listener and she is the speaker and it’s my duty (self-imposed of course) to never speak my mind and tell her just what she wants to hear. Of course this is interspersed with small spurts of honesty and maybe even humour. But that’s beside the point I guess. I dunno. I dunno why I put myself into chains why I block myself, why?

4th October 2004
Appeal to a “co-libran”
Gandhiji , you were a great man .Maybe once ,before you became great you were ordinary-like me. May be you can understand me-all my confused emotions and thoughts and joys and sorrows. Maybe if at all that sun sign stuff is true you will understand me being Libran and all. I know you weren’t some agony aunt listening to peoples woes in life. I know you’d rather rest in peace and so I apologise dil aur jaan. Vande mataram!

5th October 2004
Self Improvement Plans
I guess these no harm in at least trying to change myself. It may not work, but who knows, it might just!
So how do I start? I’ll need a definite plan.
Being true to people is not easy especially when its been so long since I’ve been true to myself. In fact maybe I never have. I’ve always prided myself on being a ‘pure’ self uninfluenced by all social evils and which has been penetrated by none but myself- the ‘pure’ one –everyone else being awful and me ‘acting’ awful to get along with them. Is this really true? When put for the first time in such clear terms it makes even me know that it is in someway false. I dunno. I’d like to believe otherwise. Coming back to self imposed morality, why do I bind myself? Why am I so …tight? I dunno. All I know is I should try to be more human and should feel for people and stuff. But what I’ve noticed during my dance and trust fall attempt was that the harder I tried the less relaxed I was. That’s true. You can’t will yourself to relax. May be I CAN. Maybe that’s what makes physical and psychological things different. I don’t know….
No, I shouldn’t let myself escape without a proper plan. Maybe I should become the old me who was a listener. So my verbal contribution becomes minimum. Yes, respect everyone and greet everyone. Get rid of unnecessary prejudices, talk when you need to. Don’t think you know everything and should therefore go on talking. Give everyone a chance to talk and above all LISTEN. You never know where you will learn what. Change yourself before others force you to.