Confusion and Responsibility

Thursday 19th January 2006

Confusions

Today after a long time I realised how interested I was and continue to be in law. Those dreams came back- becoming lawyer, arguing (and of course winning) cases, becoming a judge, chief justice etc. I felt SAD for having given it up after a SINGLE failure, SAD for not having taken the LAWCET seat. True at that time I’d just begun to LOVE Nizam College. For the first time ever, I truly felt at home in and liberated in an educational institution. At that point in time I’d have had to be either crazy or a robot to leave...Nizam College made me feel worthwhile and at that phase in my life I couldn’t have left it. But if I had tried harder, if I had just had a more positive attitude, if I’d just written a better essay and (of this I am CERTAIN) if I had just worn another t-shirt I would have got into NALSAR. But then I wouldn’t have joined Nizam and that would have been sad.

Anyways enough of hypothesising and regretting! What can I do now? Obviously I don’t want to tell Appa and Amma right away. I have a bloated ego. First I should find out about LLB courses and whether they are valued AT ALL ,whether studying law abroad would of any use and stuff like that, whether the integrated courses are just too much competition. Or may be I could end up being editor of a law journal like my great grand father!

Friday 3rd February

Responsibility

There’s so many things I could write about... that I WANT to write about. It is not that I don’t have the time or the energy…but there’s this laziness, this boredom. This feeling of...I dunno...not caring? Not wanting to do anything for doing anything would be making a choice and accepting responsibility.

How do I get out of this? Do I WANT to get out of this? I dunno… guess all I want is to vanish completely. From my life...from people’s memories, from this earth. True that will happen, EVENTUALLY. But I dunno, I kinda want it to happen before I’m forced to take choices and therefore responsibilities. Actually this is just one part of me that dreads decision making…which SEEs how one false decision can change and RUIN one’s life and which DOESN’T WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY of being in charge of its own life. It has no clue what will happen. (She often liked to talk of herself in the third person!)

The other part believes that no matter what happiness success joy glory may be even IMMORTALITY will come …immortality, ∞ in fame for having done something WONDERFUL. It believes in its innate superiority and believes so much in its potential that it tends to look down on everybody else thinking “Hey, I have so much more potential that I’m gonna actualise…I’m great…nobody else is”. And then once in awhile it sees how much it has actualised and feels inferior…but never normal…never sans comparison...never accept itself for what it is without rating itself.

Well I do know what I must do...I must become a carefree person. Not a careless one, but just one who is free of unnecessary worries and anxieties. One who is willing to take responsibilities for ones actions and take decisions without so much worry on whether the decision is right or wrong.