Feeling,Learning

Begins to feel again!

16th September 2004
Feels like it’s been ages since I’ve written in you and indeed it has. Of late I’ve been feeling pretty low insecure and depressed and stuff. Actually that stable satisfaction is lost and I have begun to feel stuff again. So it’s like I feel happy and sad and stuff. I’m actually once again affected by what people say and do and search for inner meanings and feel hurt and stuff.
This boy from first year actually gave me chocolates and rachis as gifts. I was pretty shocked. Didn’t expect him to give me gifts and all.

25th September 2004
Why can I not naturally like people? Why do I have this penchant for hating all human beings other than myself? Why is it always contempt or awe? Why not affection? WHY? I hate it but I just do not feel affection towards humans except when I try telling myself that I must and then act like I do. Do all people find it so? Maybe I’ll never know if people are as secretive as me….

On writing
27th September 2004
It is not natural that one writes a story or a novel without a reason. No one can do that. Obviously if I write a story or novel I write it for publication, for money, to become a celebrity. If I write for such a purpose and not for my pleasure I cannot write well. Or at least that is what I think. However, I like the thought of writing a story or a novel and I want to do it quickly. I have lots of things to do and must do them quickly.

On Learning
29th September 2004
Often I feel pathetic that my learning ,my awareness ,my wisdom, my knowledge-they are all so limited. Often I think I must become all knowledgeable and vomit out all the facts and stuff like so many others I know. But there’s something within me which pulls me back –which says I won’t remember anything anyway. Then I realise I just want to blurt out fact just so that people think I’m great. I don’t really w ant to learn and get to know stuff. It’s pathetic really. I must change it.
20th Oct 2004
Everything I learnt so far has been forgotten-even things which I felt I had a deep insight into. All that chemistry I learn is all gone waste. No learning to me is permanent. To what use all this education. I will forget all this book learning of ideas theories and concepts in NO time. Well some things like Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle which specially appealed to me may last a little longer. But it is all forgotten too soon. Of what use are these qualifications or these degrees these schools, theses colleges these books when one has no ability to retain for life. But when life itself is so temporary why complain about learning? It’s annoying