CHOTA SA BREAK

13 December 2004
Meeting my Image
I met Hasitha (Shanthi Ma’am’s niece-my look alike) AT LAST today. Boy was it funny…we just kept looking at each other and laughing. She’s like a year older than me. She seemed really nice…unlike me; she seems well adjusted, friendly and naturally social-far more extrovert than me. She said the next time she came over she would bring a camera and we should have a snap together. Shanthi ma’am seemed really tired and I felt in the way. How thoughtless I am and how inconsiderate and uncaring I must seem! Forgot to wish Agasthi and Amarti best of luck, forgot to wish her a happy journey, good night, NOTHING. Just ya ,ya and bye, abruptly. Poor Hassi! Imagine how it must’ve felt being compared to some one like me. All I did was show off about me! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. How unlike me! But that’s what I did.

25th November 2004
Pre-exam Scrambles
I re-read Muriel Spark’s ‘P….. Street’. I’ve forgotten the full form. And then a part of Mary Stewart’s ‘Gabriel Hounds’. They are both beautiful especially Muriel Spark’s. One because it has such an unusual stories of a woman her life and her death, about the individual, and relationships and human beings and stuff. It’s an AMAZING story beautifully written, but it leaves me feeling depressed. Both these stories relate to my evergreen problem in their own weird ways and somehow the feeling of uselessness eats me even though I did quite well in today’s exam and even wrote an extra answer- all in less than an hour.
But then it comes back to me that I couldn’t help Ambedkar and Kruthika do as well. I spent the whole day yesterday trying to teach them but I seriously don’t know if it was of any use. I guess its ok. I just hope they both scrape through. One of them knew much more to start with and learnt too and hopefully will do much better than that. The other was stuck with ‘regular and irregular’ verbs and wouldn’t let the stuff sink in. Maybe I could have done better. I think I tried my best. I couldn’t have helped in the exam hall ‘cause ma’am was very vigilant!

Dear readers
With this I’m through with the 2004 diary.
I intend to take a break for a few weeks … want to work at getting her project report publishable.
In the meanwhile if any of you want to add to the blog please feel free
Thanks for your sustained interest
Lalitha

HIGH CLIFF DAYS

6th November 2004
Equal Opportunities
Do all these equal opportunities things in some way break the natural order of the way of life? Free compulsory education pushes such typical stuff down the throats of zillions of children –most of this totally inutile. Where is the specialised knowledge that can be learnt when young? What is happening to all that? Is a whole way of life dying out? Is everyone being cast into the same mould in this age of specialisation? Can we really know so much of everything? What IS a ‘basic idea’? How ‘basic’ is it and how necessary? Can we learn true skills in all this education? Smithy, pottery, farming, fishing, trade? Or any one of these at least? Is it fair to kill lifestyles, to kill culture in the name of equal opportunities?
But then who decides who is born to a weaver, who to a chemist and who to a prime minister? Shouldn’t all of us have some chance of becoming any of these things? Why we are not allowed to truly explore and decide for ourselves? Why cannot we all be provided with some chance of not worrying about whether it is possible? I think that would be egalitarian. But what about the stuff a father teaches a son or a mother a daughter? Do we not in someway lose the respect for our parents and their professions because we have other choices?

20th November 2004
High cliff days
For so long I have suppressed memories of those happy days of freedom walking slipper-less in the slush, running up and down on the ‘rappelling rock’, jumping from rock to rock, sliding down the mud path, avoiding the thorny bushes on the ‘grass –cars’. Climbing first to the top, running fast, fast fast. FREEDOM, FREEDOM ,FREEDOM! Memories of those joyous days cannot be compensated for, no matter what.
The thorny skirts, the doggy smells, leeches, the muddy Chappal, the tall tank, deaf-off tongue, the rock paintings, the Hoopya shirt, hop-scotch, the true friendship, affection, the excitement, the loss of Maami and of Rumple, sorrow.
Of kites, muggus, crackers, colours, Holi, Ganesh, Christmas trees, bank-days, new year eves, walk in the night, playing, playing, playing. Those days are gone, lost in the past, leaving me with no substantial recompense.
I can visualise every portion of the campus-rich in colour, like like-from the light green creepers, pink flowers, beautiful gardens, chitrakut, writing on it, rushing up the rocks, sliding down the railings, sitting under the shed that rainy day, being called boisterous and not understanding.
Dona, Apara, Nivi, Sumi, Deepika, Supriya –Bullu –her farewell party, Valmiki’s pen. Those days of freedom, friendship, acceptance, nature all mixed with no hypocrisy except that of petty politics and fights.
The rainy days, paper boats down the slopes, getting totally wet, the kitchen and outside, throwing away my stuff, the staircase railings, study room, dance, trying to record singing with Akku, writing ‘Rumpy’ on the balcony wall with nail polish, upstairs my bedroom, amma appa’s bedroom, my table in it, the stony baths, my bath room, Swathi eating soap, the broken chair, clothes, dolls, cooler, clothes stand, bed, the books I so loved, opening the door carefully, being scolded fro reading instead of playing, house of Arden, George’s marvellous medicine, grey paint, Bama, building blocks, neighbours houses, their rooms, Captain Planet, Scooby doo, cloud watching with Sumi and Amma,jealousy, chatting with Sam uncle and Rajiva, Aravinda and Anuradha aunty, birthday parties with pooris and laughing competitions, and Ramaswamy uncles Krishna. How can I forget all this? Those days so complete in every aspect with barely a jot of studying…a state of natural social and hence psychological satisfaction!

An Almost Happy Ending

November 29^th 2004

Rave reviews

Gosh! Seva gave such an amazing feedback about the movie. CANNOT BELIEVE IT! She said if it weren’t for me the movie was unwatchable. I mean that’s amazing feedback for me- -not the movie. Well of course that’s because she is my friend and stuff, but she said she saw it through her usual film critic angle-which of course she DID NOT. But anyways a compliment is a compliment. She went on to say I could be a great comedienne if I ever chose to which of course I shan’t.

Even Navika said more or less what Seva did about me lightening the movie up and making it watchable. Navika’s mom said “The woman carried it off!”

Happy Long Life!

This friend of mien is a great person. She knows so much about so many things. She has immense understanding, insight and intuition. She has tremendous intelligence and sensitivity. Yet she is so ill all the time. It is so UNFAIR. WHY THE GREAT THE WORTHY ALWAYS MADE TO ARE SUFFER? OR DOES THEIR SUFFERING MAKE them great and worthy?

I don’t know seriously. Today she said so many things beyond my comprehension –things which both of us knew I’d never understand. Well she told me of her vision, her ambition, and her thoughts, ideas ways of spending time far more brilliant and unimaginable than mine or that of most others. She knows she’s smarter than most and she knows she is different. She can’t make even me –whom she probably thought she had some chance of understanding –understand her. She wants o tod so many things. But she is certain she will get cancer and diabetes and god knows what. WHY THIS CERTIANITY? I tried to say “No, don’t believe it. Only if you believe it will it happen” and stuff like that. But she threw in her favourite line “he who knows and knows that he knows is wise”. I am trying to be wise.

She knows she is great but doesn’t want to live, why? I don’t know. I really really want her to live a LONG HAPPY LIFE SO FULL OF JOY AND SUCCESS AND ACHIEVEMNTS WHICH CHANGE THE WORLD UNLIKE ANY OTHER SO FAR. I PRAY O GOD, PLEASE. (And I say AMEN to that-moichee)

19th November 2010

Dubbing …

Hi, at last my part of the movie is over. Poor thing J still has to do his recording on Sunday between his exams.
We did the recording last night. We reached the studio at about 8.15 p.m. and they said it would be free in half-an-hour. Then they said another half-an-hour, another half –an-hour and when they said this once more, since everyone except Supraniti’s brother and I hadn’t had dinner, we went to Swati and ate some stuff. Then we went back and after two or three “ten minutes” and “five minutes”, we were able to start. Supraniti’s mother did her part first, then her brother then the director and then me. Ok in detail…
I left home around 7 p.m. and Akku dropped me at a friends place and we took an auto to reach the studio. After we went and ate dinner and came back, the producer joined us. Boy, he is funny. He kept cracking jokes and kept us all laughing non-stop. When we finally got into the studio, Supraniti’s mom started recording. Then Amma called saying she is outside. We went and had lovely masala chai nearby. We went back and amma and thatha came up to watch the fun. After the others finished finally it was my turn. I went on for ages and in between the producer did one role and kept cracking jokes. We were all literally rolling in laughter. Amma did a couple of voices as ‘Swapna’ and Becky Thatcher. The producer went who is Margaret Thatcher. When we were waiting the conversation in between Supraniti and her brother in ‘shudh hindi” was so funny. Everyone contributed to the giggles. Anyways I finished my part around 3 am in the morning. I felt so guilty at making Amma wait. At home Appa got anxious and Pati could hardly sleep and I had so many takes. I also felt bad since only I seemed to be making a nuisance of myself. I was the only one complaining about exams though others too had them from the next day. Also I felt that only my family was put into frenzy. I was the only one upsetting everyone.
The others, especially Supraniti, were so cooperative and helpful and had so much solidarity and team spirit and comradeship and stuff. I felt awful. I think the best thing about this movie experience was I met someone my age who was as intelligent, sensitive, balanced mature and yet genuinely nice and friendly as Supraniti . She is really great and I have learnt a lot from her though I think it will be AGES before I can apply any of those qualities in my life. She is REALLY great and I admire her. Hope I can adopt a few of her characteristics. I’ll try.

MOVIE DUBBING

9th November 2004
College News
Poor Prathiksha –her leg’s gotten all swollen up because she had an accident on the day of her marketing practical exam. Its too bad poor thing! Her attendance is pathetic. Maybe its all for the good –maybe she’ll go join some university in the US like her Mom wants her to do. Pray she gets Ok soon. One of our professors also hurt her leg in the accident. (Was it the same accident? Not clear to me though she uses “the”). She has more or less recovered but the break has done her good.
Psycho class on thinking today. Though we didn’t really do much sticking to the chapters we had very interesting discussions. At least I found it interesting and relevant to my life. It was bout choices mostly and that being one of my all time favourites quite killed me. Our Prof is very nice and she seems to have similar ‘basics’ as me. I mean many of her characteristics are quite like mine. Her way of thinking, the examples she gives –so I kind of relate to her. She has overcome her defects SO well that it’s really amazing. I really respect her.

15th November 2004
Prima Donna Stuff!
I don’t understand why this Amma has such lack of interest in any thing that seems important to me and such overly FAKE interest and excitement about everything I so DETEST in MY life. I guess I’m side stepping the main issue, comme d’habitude (as usual).
I have decided to quit eh goddammed movie. I have 2 options.
1. wait for the director to call and ask me if I practices and then say I didn’t and get him a little worked up and stop him when we starts sermonising like so. “Mr. Director, when I agreed to take part in this movie, you told me it will be done in a week or two. That’s why I agreed. You drag it for months so that the recording is just when my exams are approaching and do you expect me to leave everything to do this? My father’s right, I should have asked for a written contract. But NO! You shoot this movie in a week and you believe me, for the time you took, the editing is pathetic and the movie as whole is so unimaginable repulsive. I could go on for days pointing out its shortcomings but I don’t know if you would ever bother to listen. But I must give you some advice for your next movie though I hope you never one-please be professional. Try to work efficiently and give your co-workers minimum respect by at least informing them what exactly you expect of tem and when. Another thing, it’s not professional to call at 10.30 p.m and say do this at 5 .00 tomorrow morning. Ask them if it is possible. Respect their time and I don’t just mean thankyous and sorrys. I have wasted enough time on the movie-I’m done and I’m willing to return your money with interest. Nothing you say is going to change this and the pity appeal has gone far enough. I don’t want to meet you or speak to you and waste more of my time. I’ll give the book and your money to S. Collect it!”
2. Could call and say I’m dropping out. Wait for his predictable response and then blast off in much the same pattern.
I guess I’ll wait for him to call, if he doesn’t then I’ll call and use option 2. Of course option 1 is my personal favourite as it also saves my phone bill. Or maybe I should call ask him to call back and then blast him. I guess that’s too cool. But it is also too cheap. Ramaramaramarama… please God help me and make this happen today!

Its 1:15 in the afternoon. I just called the Director and told him I can’t do it. Hammayya! I sure am glad to escape. But darn it-I didn’t tell him any of the stuff I wrote about and planned to. The entire discussion was far more civilised than I expected it to be. But he wants to know why exactly I want to leave. He want s me to email him today .what do I say?

DARNATION! I actually called back and said I’d do it because I was feeling so bloody guilty for ditching at the last moment in so ruthless a manner. Damn me. But I feel better!

Basic Questions

28th October 2004
Basic questions
So often in life in spite of the aimless pointless wanderings one comes back to certain basic things.
The ever evasive happiness seems to be one such thing. Sometimes I get to wondering if happiness does really exist or it is just wishful thinking has made folks come up with the concept. I don’t know, but memory takes me back to times which now seem to me to have been happy, fascinating, wonderful and extraordinary (though when they occurred did not seem extraordinary or even happy as such and on the whole were rather prosaic).
Does nostalgia blur memory? But I do remember horrible times too, times which seem totally terrible even now-where’s nostalgia there?

6th November 2004
Do all these equal opportunities things in some way break the natur4al order or the way of life? Free compulsory education pushes down such typical stuff down throats of zillions of children-most of this totally inutile. Where is the specialised knowledge that can be learnt best when young? What is happening to all that? Is a whole way of life dying out? Is everyone being cast into the same mould in this age of specialisation?
Can we really know so much of everything? What IS a “basic idea”? How basic is it and how necessary? Can we learn skills through all this education? Smithy, pottery, farming, hunting, fishing, trade? Or any one of these at least? Is it fair to kill life styles to kill culture in the name of equal opportunities?
But then who decided who is born to a weaver who to a chemist and who to a prime minister? Shouldn’t all of us have some chance of becoming any of these things? Why are we not allowed to truly explore and decide for ourselves? Why cannot we all be provided with the chance of not worrying about whether it is possible? I think that would be egalitarian. But what about the stuff a father teaches a son or a mother teaches a daughter? Do we not in someway lose respect for our parents and their professions because we have other options.

29th October 2004
Seeking attention
I don’t know why I long so much for attention. I don’t know why I want people to notice me ,like me, ado…re me, love me, have crushes on me, appreciate me, think I’m intelligent, think I’m beautiful, think I have a sense of humour, think all nice things about me. I have become a mendicant –begging for attention. Me, who at other times ran away from society to my much treasured privacy, me at other times who decided not to care a damn about them. I shied away from attention and hid in the shadows peeping out slowly. Why this change now?
All through my life I have always had great contempt for people who have actually valued me. But now I want them to. Now I want friends and affection when earlier I fled from every person who was nice to me and distance myself from all my friends to ensure that I got my privacy. Now this is no longer ok for me. There is no other option because once alone I go off into a reverie about me and myself-ALWAYS.
CAN I NOT SILENTLY, GOOD HUMOUREDLY, OBSERVE OTHERS, THEIR ACTIONS –I DO NOT MEAN WITH A HUGE SMILE ON MY FACE WHICH HURTS. I MEAN GENUINELY HAPPY AT OBSERVING THEM. Why am I not interested in anything other than myself or theories so distant from human beings? Why can't I observe and understand others in a quiet way that was innate in me? Why? It pains me but I don’t know. When I watch others being happy, jealousy bites and shreds my heart. Damn me.

Gone with the Wind

19th October 2004
On Veerappan’s Death
Veerappan was killed yesterday .Its really sad especially since Jayalalitha and the chief minister of Karnataka, people from the special task force (who shot him) and news reporters kind of rejoicing at his death. It is really pathetic that they can display the glee so publicly. Did he not have a cause? Yes! He made money, smuggled sandal wood and ivory. But did that make him so evil. I’ve always kind of imagined him to be like Robin Hood –doing good tot eh rural poor-always evading the police. Even in the end he won. Maybe he died but he was never imprisoned. May his soul rest in peace.

25th October 2004
On Scarlett O’Hara
There’s something that I can’t stop thinking of, but I don’t want to tell you. Apart from that the only thing I seem to be able to think of is Scarlett O’Hara fate in Gone with the Wind. I’m in the middle of doing it when I oughtn’t to be and the last thing I can concentrate on is Attention and Division of Attention. I have to make notes for the practical record and also write a letter fro my French home work and all I can think of is Scarlett O’Hara and Ashley Wilks and Melanie. It’s ridiculous. Maybe I’ll do my letter first.

1st November 2004
Just finished reading Gone with the Wind. It leaves with a feeling of emptiness which I do not want to fill. It annoys me that the blurb does little justice to the book. It is certainly not ‘a love story between Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler set in the background of the American Civil War’. It is more. It is not Rhett who matters. It’s about Scarlett, her life, change whole worlds shattering, her attempts to harden herself and it could have been anyone at anytime. It is not just a historical novel. It is a novel of a changing way of life and people and their feelings thoughts and emotions. It is not a mere fictitious history. It is a complex of things so real it could be applicable to anyone anywhere anytime.

Feeling-Free

13th October 2004
Freedom and Family
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open up to people be genuine with them –whether it’s nice or not-at least be remotely honest. Why am I so gender biased and so guys –shy though I put on this farce of being guy-ish? Why am I keen at warding off remotely possible crushes and hence treating guys with ‘no lower motives’ whatsoever with that aloof pretentious fake manner of mine? Am I in some way SO scared of all this ‘love &crap’? Am I really that shy? And is it all that bad? Is it natural? I don’t know since I’ve never felt it. Do I suppress emotions so much that I’ve become in some way unnatural? I don’t know.
I just hate myself fro being so rigid and narrow minded and unreceptive and unfriendly and warding off so many people by my unwillingness to just be friendly. Is being friends so difficult? Why am I so stuck up with imaginary family norms which don’t really exist? Yesterday Amma was telling me indirectly to use sex appeal when I’ve been striving to make myself seem like a human-being- a gender-less entity since that’s my idea of what I’d like to pretend to believe my family expects of me. Yes! There are certain things they are pretty strict, but very often I worry myself that they might worry and I’ll have to answer uncomfortable questions or I suspect that they will suspect me and I try to make sure there is no blame on me.
Akku who is from the same family has so much more freedom because she lets herself have it. She’s not so driven by family acceptance and she doesn’t need to hide stuff so much. May be I don’t need to hide myself either. May be I should let go. But I’ve always been stiff. I remember how everyone who ever taught me to dance telling me to ‘let go’. And ‘relax’. But I always thought I was pretty normal and I never could ‘let go’. In a trust fall, I never could fall freely trusting others to hold me no matter how much I tried. That’s what I’ve always been –untrusting, tense and unable to let go. So I just dismiss it as my ‘nature’ or can I ‘nurture’ myself to be different?
(I wonder who was the chap she was running away from.)
18th October 2004
True Lies!
Every time I meet this auntie in the colony, I feel this guilty awkward embarrassment because she knows me for the lair that I am. That’s the closest she got to knowing me and what did she find? “A goodly apple rotten at the core”. Pretty sad that that’s the only impression she has of ‘the real me’. She can see through all my half hearted attempts at pseudo-politeness and she can see the stupid girl as dull as to not even tell her tuition teacher her marks in a test in school. Well that’s precisely what happened.
In the 11th standard the hunt for another tuition teacher began. This aunty was discovered and a friend and I went to her house for three classes. She taught us like the first and second chapters. We had attest in school and both of us failed miserably. I went out of town and my friend who came to know our marks told her. Later when I came back I found out my marks. She asked me and I lied saying I didn’t know. I really wanted her to think I was intelligent and bright and stuff. Well she probably thought I was-only in the wrong ways. After that every time I met her I felt embarrassed and guilty and behaved weird. So now she seems to have given up hope.
(I could never understand what went wrong with that tuition arrangement. Now a minor mystery is solved!)

Mostly her self !

3rd October 2004
Hypocrisy
Boy! I’ve gotten myself into yet another hypocrisy in the name of friendship.
It’s always been so with this friend but I’ve never been able to mark it down to this. I’m the listener and she is the speaker and it’s my duty (self-imposed of course) to never speak my mind and tell her just what she wants to hear. Of course this is interspersed with small spurts of honesty and maybe even humour. But that’s beside the point I guess. I dunno. I dunno why I put myself into chains why I block myself, why?

4th October 2004
Appeal to a “co-libran”
Gandhiji , you were a great man .Maybe once ,before you became great you were ordinary-like me. May be you can understand me-all my confused emotions and thoughts and joys and sorrows. Maybe if at all that sun sign stuff is true you will understand me being Libran and all. I know you weren’t some agony aunt listening to peoples woes in life. I know you’d rather rest in peace and so I apologise dil aur jaan. Vande mataram!

5th October 2004
Self Improvement Plans
I guess these no harm in at least trying to change myself. It may not work, but who knows, it might just!
So how do I start? I’ll need a definite plan.
Being true to people is not easy especially when its been so long since I’ve been true to myself. In fact maybe I never have. I’ve always prided myself on being a ‘pure’ self uninfluenced by all social evils and which has been penetrated by none but myself- the ‘pure’ one –everyone else being awful and me ‘acting’ awful to get along with them. Is this really true? When put for the first time in such clear terms it makes even me know that it is in someway false. I dunno. I’d like to believe otherwise. Coming back to self imposed morality, why do I bind myself? Why am I so …tight? I dunno. All I know is I should try to be more human and should feel for people and stuff. But what I’ve noticed during my dance and trust fall attempt was that the harder I tried the less relaxed I was. That’s true. You can’t will yourself to relax. May be I CAN. Maybe that’s what makes physical and psychological things different. I don’t know….
No, I shouldn’t let myself escape without a proper plan. Maybe I should become the old me who was a listener. So my verbal contribution becomes minimum. Yes, respect everyone and greet everyone. Get rid of unnecessary prejudices, talk when you need to. Don’t think you know everything and should therefore go on talking. Give everyone a chance to talk and above all LISTEN. You never know where you will learn what. Change yourself before others force you to.

Feeling,Learning

Begins to feel again!

16th September 2004
Feels like it’s been ages since I’ve written in you and indeed it has. Of late I’ve been feeling pretty low insecure and depressed and stuff. Actually that stable satisfaction is lost and I have begun to feel stuff again. So it’s like I feel happy and sad and stuff. I’m actually once again affected by what people say and do and search for inner meanings and feel hurt and stuff.
This boy from first year actually gave me chocolates and rachis as gifts. I was pretty shocked. Didn’t expect him to give me gifts and all.

25th September 2004
Why can I not naturally like people? Why do I have this penchant for hating all human beings other than myself? Why is it always contempt or awe? Why not affection? WHY? I hate it but I just do not feel affection towards humans except when I try telling myself that I must and then act like I do. Do all people find it so? Maybe I’ll never know if people are as secretive as me….

On writing
27th September 2004
It is not natural that one writes a story or a novel without a reason. No one can do that. Obviously if I write a story or novel I write it for publication, for money, to become a celebrity. If I write for such a purpose and not for my pleasure I cannot write well. Or at least that is what I think. However, I like the thought of writing a story or a novel and I want to do it quickly. I have lots of things to do and must do them quickly.

On Learning
29th September 2004
Often I feel pathetic that my learning ,my awareness ,my wisdom, my knowledge-they are all so limited. Often I think I must become all knowledgeable and vomit out all the facts and stuff like so many others I know. But there’s something within me which pulls me back –which says I won’t remember anything anyway. Then I realise I just want to blurt out fact just so that people think I’m great. I don’t really w ant to learn and get to know stuff. It’s pathetic really. I must change it.
20th Oct 2004
Everything I learnt so far has been forgotten-even things which I felt I had a deep insight into. All that chemistry I learn is all gone waste. No learning to me is permanent. To what use all this education. I will forget all this book learning of ideas theories and concepts in NO time. Well some things like Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle which specially appealed to me may last a little longer. But it is all forgotten too soon. Of what use are these qualifications or these degrees these schools, theses colleges these books when one has no ability to retain for life. But when life itself is so temporary why complain about learning? It’s annoying

Time-less Troubles

20th August 2004
Priorities
(Written fully in French)
There are so many ideas, so many hypotheses, so many theories and one needs time, space, energy and patience to reflect on. But unfortunately for me I don’t have the time when I have the patience or the desire and when I have both I do not have the space. It is a pity, truly. Every day there are some things that I have to do immediately. There are all these deadlines too. There are those passing things that have to be done within time limits. Then there are those other things which don’t have these pressing deadlines which as important if not more so. One has to always prioritise and take these decisions!

I would also like to discuss another issue. How to accept compliments! I do not know how to do this. When some one gives me a compliment I do not know how to react. Often I think they are mocking or teasing me and are not serious. Then I don’t accept these compliments well-not at all. This is really regrettable because my reactions are really silly. But above all I have to study now! Alors!

French Comedy
21st August 2004
Pre-exam blues
Gosh! I’m kind of sick of French. I don’t plan to join the next level, 400, if I pass and that’s a big if by itself. Maybe I should just give up, but I want to pass and then leave, so it would be a positive end. Hope that happens!
I won’t be joining what ever happens so maybe I shouldn’t even care. But it’s only 2-3 days and giving up now would be ridiculously typical of me. Bye.

27th August 2004
Poster Prize
Guess what? I won the first prize for that poster making competition at Alliance Francaise and I got the course fee for the next level free! Cool! But just when I was having this dilemma of whether to join level 400 or not! Good! It helps me decide. The best part was when the Directeur went on about how it was surrealistic and made it sound symbolic as hell. Too good!

29th August 2004
Post Poster Prize
It’s strange how the way one thinks and feels about a certain thing changes so much with time. Great things in retrospect seem like petty achievements. I dunno –it’s just weird. Actually a part of me still feels real great about being called surrealist and stuff. But this afternoon I realised how it is such a petty thing.
I have earned a level of French free. I want to see my poster on the notice board. This is much an honour as Akku telling me I am creative.

Grieving for her Kitten

7th August 2004

Grief
This is so horrible. Such a tiny little “Poochi”, such a beauty her tail longer than her body, my little tigress with all her care, affection, love, sense and independence, all her violence and her grace, her fun and joy and life, all gone. One instant so close to me and then no more. I love my “Cheeli” so much; but she is dead and buried and gone. Yet I feel her everywhere. I feel she’s following me down the stairs waiting for me outside the loo, scratching the screen (outside the bathroom door) as she waits to come running in. There will never be anyone like her. Yes, 3 months is not long, but a few days were enough to change my life. It was such a pleasure to love, to “conjify” (=pet), to admonish, to try to train, to try to understand, to imagine I’m being loved, to communicate with, to play with, to protect and to be with Poochi. No matter what happened I still had some love left for Poochi. Cleaning up after her, feeding her even if I’m the hungriest person on earth, allowing her to scratch and gnaw… I adore her from her lovely body to her adorable nature. How she shone in the sun even when she was dead.
What little fuss she made in adjusting to our household. How she won all hearts in no time. My darling Poochi, she could recognise outsiders …so many times I want to callout Pooooocheee….where are you? She’s dead. I buried her myself.

5th August 2004
No comfort
(This is an entry is about a friend who was trying to comfort her, not very successfully…)
I don’t know why thinks she knows MORE every millisecond of her life. Normally it is not tough putting up with her know-all-ness, but when she started lecturing me on what to do to get over Poo’s death and when she started telling me how much she cared Poo and cats in general and when none of this seemed to work she started telling me about Poo like she knows all about Poo because she scratched her ear for 5 minutes one day, I really lost it.
But I was listening to all her theories and stuff when poor Poo was dying on my lap. And how do I go on listening to more of this. I am to blame.

MORE ON COLLEGE

5th August 2004
Classes
Today we had our first class in social anthropology with JP Sir. Boy was it great! Anthropology includes almost everything that interests me. I must do it. I have to start research where, how? Also the first practical class of psychology. That was fun too. This new ma’am is very funny –her jokes and way of speaking. Kept laughing the whole class and it continued during French class too.

6th August 2004
Complicated situations
Sometimes life can get very complicated. THANK GOD I don’t have such problems. This issue of three friends A-B-C is so horrible. Most of last year they were inseparable friends.-damn close and all. A (male) and B (female) were going round together and all. Anyways they fought and became worst enemies.

Now there are two versions. According to B, a used to keep going home and telling people about B and C all the time. So his mum asked him if he loved B and wanted to marry her etc. So he asked her if she would marry him and stuff and she said ‘no’. They both took it light and thought they would be friends like they were. Then after a few days he told her that wasn’t able to look at her just as a friend and so she started avoiding him. Meanwhile he has gone and written all kinds of stuff about her in his diary-which he used to quite publicly carry around….Well that’s her version.

A’s version according to another friend D is that B proposed to A and they started going around together and had a good time. Then A seriously fell for her and when he proposed she ditched.

Now comes the present. Whatever the truth was/is they all (A, B, C) loath each other and B and C have gone and complained to some student leaders that A is abusing them. Believe he’s threatened to kidnap her, rape her, take photographs and stick it all over college and her home. He denies this of course.

No matter how much we speak to him it doesn’t work! But I guess we should look at it from his perspective too. He was betrayed by her. She denies everything that seems like truth to him. He wants revenge. He may have imperfections but then…why would he write false stuff in his diary? HIS PERSONAL DIARY? WHY? I dunno. Yes he’s aggressive and a little stupid at times, but then taking ‘action’ might ruin his life.

August 14th
Guess what, I met Reshma today. You can’t believe how good I felt. I met another friend too, but the greater glory subdues the lesser I guess. Believe she’s doing her Journalism and masscom in London and is here for her vacations. Anyways since she’s here and lives so close to the Alliance she’s started French. After coming back we all went to Bhongir.

College News

College News
July 24th 2004
There’s a lot to write about. Briefly:
• Violence in the college the day before yesterday. Usual folks involved. BA vs BSc. Yesterday they sough revenge and the police came in. will explain later
• Yesterday I spoke my mind to my best friend and did some sort of counselling
• A friend thinks I’m now at the pinnacle of my life. If this is the pinnacle then what is non pinnacle? Actually she’s right in a way-better than I was!
Sleepy now ….

July 25th 2004
There are so many times when I want to write so many things in you. But I just don’t. Never mind why, so many thoughts feelings and ideas go unrecorded, unremembered. I wonder if memory does need external aids like diaries. Why can’t I remember my own life without photographs and written accounts? Nowadays somehow I don’t feel like elaborating. Once something is over it’s over and I lose interest. What seems to be the most exciting thing on earth seems dull and drab the next moment!

4th August 2004
I can write at leisure now, only I might ruin my eyes because I’m in a dark bedroom with the light from the hall to illuminate this page. There was lots to say but sanding in the toilet and writing was far too uncomfortable.
Was supposed to be in college by nine but went a bit late. French Sir asked me my marks thinking they’d be pathetic since I’d missed so many of his classes. Well when I said 40/40 he sure was surprised. I had anyways pretended I didn’t know French and never let on that I actually learnt some more too.
In the sociology class, yesterday’s debate about ethnocentrism was apparently forgotten. I didn’t bring it up either. Some friends played the fool as usual. Tej and I then went on a Navika hunt and found her in the basketball court. We wanted her to do the presentation for the GD.
In the psychology class ma’am was on Gestalt and perception. Since I’d read it I contributed quite a bit and as usual she didn’t want me to. But nobody else did and I was bored so I spoke. So anyways, she asked me once again if I was an only child or a younger child. I guess that’s what she’d been…the other day she tells me to my goddam face that she thinks I’m irresponsible and that she saw my mother and thought she was very responsible and that I looked just like my mother. Every goddam class she asks me if I’m an only child. So when I told her “spoilt child” she agreed like it was the most evident fact of life. I most certainly do not think I’m a spoilt child. At least I’m not narrow minded self- centred and bad at communication. I mean, I thought feeling insecure was my forte until I met her!
Prathiksha came in the middle of the class and we went to invite VP and other Sirs arrange chairs etc.
Then the GD. Boy was it fun today. One girl went on and on about how ragging is sinister and another boy went off fulltoo extreme about how if you rag they commit suicide. And this other guy kept saying weird funny things and called someone a feminist and someone else a communist. This set off another debate at a tangent.
Sir came in and changed the discussion a bit and made us focus a bit more on the topic. The whole thing was very funny. It’s on reservations next week.
Went to French class-uneventful except that I saw French sir who was in a meeting there peep out and he recognised me too.
When I came back home my friend taught me how to chat on the net. Can you believe it, I didn’t know how to until now. Anyways while I was chatting another friend called and I had to concentrate on the chat as well. She probably thought I wasn’t happy to talk to her. I should have told one of them to wait.

MOVIE MAKING

I never heard why it was called Peas and Carrots. i only know that she rechristened it 'Pause and Carrots' becasue most of the time she was being directed to pause! The director was not amused though she though it funny! She got a Calvin and Hobbes annual for her efforts and lolled around enjoying it!

July 7th 2004
Yes …No…Yes….But….
I don’t know why I’m so confused in life….I don’t know if my last decision is right. I don’t know what is right.
I’ve once again decided to act in that movie. I don’t know if I told you, but the day before yesterday I dropped out because Navika had to. I believe they’ve now found someone else for her role but no one else for mine. The lead actor called in the morning and told me that if he was the problem I needn’t worry. Why would he be the problem? I have nothing against him. It’s my other friend who doesn’t get along with him.
That day I lied to them so I could drop out and said Appa Amma wouldn’t allow me and the worst par was they actually sympathised. I dunno. I said I convinced Appa and Amma and they said OK.

July 14th 2004
Gosh! The movie is so goddam irritating. The script is totally pathetic. There are so many parts that can be torn to bits. I have no clue why they are wasting all this money. Honestly! Beats me…

July 16th 2010
Feels like ages since I last wrote here though it’s barely two days. Sometimes I don’t get the time even if I’m dying to write and sometimes even if I have all the time I have nothing to write.
Guess what I’ve been doing this movie for the pas few days. I mean I’ve been acting in it. It’s an obnoxiously stupid and irritating script and it beats me how I actually accepted. What a dumb thing to feel pity and do things. Ridiculous.
When I first read the scrip I was nearly certain that here was no way I was going to do it.
And then I thought. If I do it what am I going to get and what am I going to lose? Well may be I’ll learn how movies are made and what goes into it and I’d probably miss a few classes at worst.
You must bear in mind that at that moment I was getting really fed up of the stuff on TV and didn’t find a gripping book. Anyways I thought, why not? So I accepted.
Of course it’s not all that bad. Sometimes it is even fun. But boy, it is that direction that is killing. It all remains to me a great wonder…the more think about human nature the more stupid it seems. They are all very polite to me...but the politeness itself is killing. Who cares anyway?

July 17th 2004
The movie’s over at long last. Thank God. It wasn’t finished properly and the dubbing is still to be done but it is over all the same. Yeah! Its over. it’s over…
After it was done we had some ice cream and I came back home.

Meeting Supraneeti has helped me realize a lot about myself and brought into view the many things I’ve got to change about myself. Firstly I should behave better with more politeness and ‘decorum and polish’.
Also I should become more self reliant and less dependant ton others for myself image. It’s like when people praise me I feel ever so good and when they don’t I feel ever so low. When they call me cute or laugh at me or admire something I say or do I couldn’t be happier. But otherwise I’m quite glum. But being happy with myself, being independent of others is FAR from my attitude. How can a person so dependent on attention ever be happy on her own? How can I ever be a recluse?

PEAS AND CARROTS

July 2nd 2004

Bien!
I actually passed the French exam with a “Bien” (good ). Should’ve heard Shanti-she was euphoric. So was I since it was most unexpected. The receptionist 9at alliance) has given me a new name “bien chick”. Darned funny .
Was thinking I must call Shanti and ask if she’d be free sometime today and go to meet her and return her books. Made her a card though I don’t think it’s nearly good enough.

July 3rd 2004
Filmy Chucker!
Shanti ma’am just called.. Guess what? I believe I topped in the ‘production ecrite’ (written test). Enrolling for the next level (300) on Monday!
(Continued the same day)
I have lots to say at eh end of the day. It was great meeting friends Seva, Meghna. Amina Mity. It was real fun. Meghna loved the card. Seva thinks I’m a great poet and she wants us to write a book together. ‘Troy’ was alright. It could have been better though. You don’t even know Odysseus name or that he’s the narrator. The best part was meeting all of them . I do value them immensely.

As soon as I came there’s this phone call asking me if I could go through a movie script and act in it. Gosh! Navika told this person about me.
This movie is anon-commercial romantic comedy with three characters –a husband , a wife and a 2nd woman. Navika’s the wife and I’m the 2nd woman. It’s going to be shot by a digital camera and shown to producers. It doesn’t require great acting expertise. Just to read out dialogues. If the producers approve they’ll get proper actors.

July 4th 2004
Peas and Carrots
Today was a day of dilemmas and indecision. A day in which I had to take a decision. I read the script for the movie I spoke of yesterday. It is called ‘Peas and Carrots’ though I didn’t mange to figure out why. As far as I know it has NOTHING to do with peas or carrots. It doesn’t have much of a story and is mostly in conversation form. The only reason it manages to carry itself is its minor twists . I suppose it could be better than Hyderabad Blues though. Must ask the guy why he’s called it ‘Peas and Carrots’.
I’m going to meet Shanti ma’am tomorrow and enrol for French level 300 if all goes well. Hope it does. “May the day break!”

French classes and so on

May 27th 2004
French Connections
Guess what? So strange! Of the four trainees at the ad agency –N, S, K and me –all four of us have learnt French at the Alliance and flunked the N200S there! One girl did her 100 and 200 under Shanti but doesn’t like her though! I felt so bad when I realised that my favourite teacher could be disliked and spoken ill of! I kinda made it clear that I really adore her.

15th June 2004
A favourite Student
Gosh! I’m SO HAPPY. Just spoke to Shanti ma’am. I SO LOVE talking to her. She is so sweet and nice. She’s like the nicest teacher I have ever had and the only one who had a soft corner for me...and that too because of my looks. Funny! It’s real good to look like your teachers niece.
Bet u can’t believe it. I actually did some painting today. Not too bad.

26th June 2006
Exam Fever
Just saw part of the film “how to lose a guy in 10 days”. Boy! It was simply too funny.
Had my examen orale today. I did it much better that last time. I think I’ll pass. I was so relived that I have been wasting my time through out. Haven't studied for the written exam at all!
I wanted to call Shanti ma’am, but before I could she did! I don’t deserve all the love she gives me…she gave me some tips on how to study for the exam. She’s sympa, hyper sympa. Hopefully I’ll do well tomorrow. Rama Rama, Rama Rama!
(Rama Rama was a favourite phrase -usually to express mild shock- with the old lady who came home to cook for us. Suku would imitate her to perfection)

22nd June 2004
Gowri @ School!
Just came back from my old school…met everyone and repeated over and over again what I was doing ,what Akku was doing and what Amma was doing. Awful to repeat the same things. Cecily teacher and Anna teacher saved my day by cracking some joke about me and making me laugh. At least they remembered the funny side of me.

The memories came back and I remembered how I felt so alienated from this batch I was supposed to ‘belong’ to by the time I left school. I was nearly the only one who didn’t grow, who didn’t ‘mature’, who wasn’t interested in boys, who was still a child. Plus amma was the principal so nobody wanted to enlighten me since it might reach her ears. So that how I stayed. Well at least a few people apparently knew about my unique sense of humour. Some how on the one hand I’m glad I never grew up. I guess others were right...i was an ‘abnormal’ teenager ,a person who couldn’t accept change and growth , a person who was so naïve as to believe all the stuff that our old principal and teachers said about how ‘children must be children’ and about how grown ups were awful. Strange though it may seem even as a child I never wanted to be a ‘grown up’.
I dunno it was all sad until I sat on the swing. I went back to the time I was two and a half or three and I fell off from that swing and my nose bled. Strangely that made me considerably happier to remember that time of pristine purity-the pain of the bleeding nose now long forgotten. Then Amma was there-I must have been in nursery-and I liked her being there. And when my nose bled she took me to Dawson Sir I think in the old building and I think they gave me sugar.
(I remembered this when I read it – we had taken her and gone to watch a play by Sharanya’s class. I think she hadn’t joined school yet. Poor thing, she was hurt, but bounced back easily)

(This is a separate paragraph-no clue why it’s written)

I find it so difficult to do the right thing and even then, when somebody else doesn’t do the right thing according to me I get so pissed and quite often even go and lecture them!

MORE ON CHOICE

Sorry folks!
Was travelling thru places beyond the net!
hope to be regular now

27th April 2004
Right choice?
Seriously, I still don’t know what I am going to do in life and I’m worried as hell about it.
Shall I go on to study psychology? If so what in psychology? Abnormal, clinical, counselling, child, para, animal-WHAT? That’s not as much a problem as ‘shall’ go on to study psychology or sociology or shall I go into advertising or shall I do an MBA or shall I do law or shall I try and become a writer or shall I just laze around and depend on other human beings? With all probability at the rate I am going I might just choose the last option. I shouldn’t….
Linguistics and anthropology are other options. Now lets leave ‘what’ for some time and move to WHERE. I think I wan tot go abroad-to Europe or Canada. But why? Yes I too want to like real good quality education and status and stuff so I can have chances of a getting a better job and stuff. But if I wanted to do linguistics or culture studies or something like that CIEFL would be a good enough place. But I do want to get away and see places beyond India. Be Patient! Good night, I must sleep well coz I have to travel by bus tomorrow!

8th May 2004
Interning Blues!
In a way I’m glad that this agency is undoing what Nizam’s did to me. At the end of 1 year at Nizam’s despite my trying to prevent it I had a mammoth ego greater than the Himalayas. At this place, right from the start by behaving all timid, I’ve thinned down my ego and self respect like hell. Once again I’ve become a blind hanger-on, clinging on to the other girl there going wherever she goes and doing what ever she does and to top it all getting insulted by her.
I hate myself and I always seem to make these wrong choices and curse myself later. I should stat remembering my Nizam’s or Alliance self and get more confident in myself and follow my own path. I should stop lying –I’ve started that recently. I never used to lie before. I shouldn’t do this like I do –and that too for no reason. I am so sorry!

19th May 2004
Not the Right Choice
I really do love myself very much. I am perhaps the only person who does so. I also love Amma, Appa, Akku, Thatha, and Pati very much, but none of them as much as I love myself. I think I am special, different, unique, and extraordinary. But I am also dumb, not very talented, slow timid, meek and paranoid when I’m with people I don’t like under circumstances I don’t like.
It’s not like today was bad day or anything but I just don’t see what I’m achieving by going to this office. Today at the end, for no reason known to me I felt so bad that I went to the loo and cried. And its not one thing –it’s a whole combination. The compulsion to go to a place I don’t like and slave for people I don’t like despite my repulsion, nobody to understand me or show affection towards me (even Amma isn’t in town), the realisation that I’m not learning anything from the mechanical work I’m asked to do ,the realisation that today’s youth is as unlike me as white is from black, the realisation that I’m not eh brain-queen that Nizam’s made me believe I was, the realisation that advertising is not ‘it’.
It’s not the kind of job I’d want PLEASE. 9-9 mad rush unsatisfactory work-NOT FOR ME. I’d prefer an interesting part time job giving me enough leisure time to pursue other interests!

TRUTH, KINDNESS

12th March 2004
Can’t guess the context in which this was written!
Truth – Yours Mine and Ours! Some things which are obvious to one person which seem real –like the objective truth and hence not expressed may just get lost in time until someone expresses it or formulates a theory on it. Therefore there is no objective truth. When many subjective truths intersect the area of intersection is the objective truth. However there might be many other subjective truths which come nowhere near it and many other such intersections which are again different objective truths.

4th April 2004
She was keen to experience working in an ad agency and yet hated missing out on her vacation. And she did feel she was doing them a favour!
Job Search
Have so much to study and I just don’t feel like it. The lady from the ad agency was so goddam mean and nasty. I’m not inferior to her in any way. I hate to have to beg for a silly summer job. All those seniors who didn’t do anything-I guess they had some kind of sense.
Feel like I’ve bloody wasted my life. I must study so much and she has ruined my mood. I’m feeling so sad though this is so trivial.
I’m too sensitive. What am I going to do in life? How will I ever do anything great if all I want to do is to shrink back into a lonely childhood? Am I really getting educated enough? Will I have the guts to go into a forest retreat? When? How am I going to learn and earn up to then? How am I going to pass tomorrow’s exam?
I can’t draw, I can’t sing, I can’t do anything creative. I don’t even know if I can do cartooning because I never practice regularly. I have stopped looking at the funny side of things. I’m just clumsy, dumb and stupid. But I love myself, I do!

6th April 2004
Teaching Kindness
Gosh! Vinita ma’am is so sweet and nice. I really adore her. She doesn’t do anything wrong but doesn’t mind others if they do wrong. And she sure as hell does more than her duty. Just called her because I had a doubt and she’s like you can call me even at 12 if you have a doubt. Why is she so kind to those who don’t deserve such kindness? Guess there’s nothing like deserving kindness. I guess all people do deserve it. Maybe I should start and try being unconditionally kind to people like she is. I’ll try. Must call her tomorrow after the exam and tell her how everybody did. She asked me to. Hope she’s around next year.

29TH FEBRUARY 2004
French Exams
Today was really a once in leap year kind of day!
Had my French Class exams for N 200. I messed up both the written and the orals more than somewhat. Even got two or three giggling fits in the orals. Got pissed off and came home in a hurry. Didn’t even say a proper bye to my friends and maybe I’m seeing them for the last time. I’m sure will miss them
Anyways came home and had along phone conversation with Seva without getting yelled at by Appa or Amma though they were both home. Luckily they were both asleep.

Then read “The Crystal Cave” for a long time. I adore Mary Stewart for recreating the life of Merlin as a person rather than a legend. How I love her book. More than just a story it is a spiritual eye-opener. It makes me think of myself-my childhood –so ordinary it seems. Too goddam hot –I need a shower.

Then went to the Spykar store where I got a top for the coupon and Amma bought me a pair of jeans. Then to Cauvery Aunties’ place and then to Sumi’s place. Sumi and I played battleship. Met her grandmother after ages. Cauvery auntie gave me atop too. Had dinner out including khubani-ka-meeta.

2nd March 2004
And Disastrous Results!
Damn, Shanti ma’am called me sometime back. Believe I failed in the oral. OFCOURSE I knew I would fail as soon as I had given it. But I didn’t realise it till now that I was not only letting myself down but also letting shanty down. Such a sweet person and she was so sure at I was certain to pass. Boy, am I moody! Just because it was hot afternoon! I believe I can go for a week class before the next N200 exam and then give it again. Shanty doesn’t want me to give up. She wants me to keep in touch and be substitute niece and I’d love to, too.
Its ok life’s tough!

3rd March 2004
And Reactions!
I must remember that the ‘Goa Beach’ t-shirt is most unlucky. I wore it for all the afternoon exams thinking git will be comfy. NALSAR, driving test, and N200. Even before that I’d worn it for a physics test which I really messed up. I MUST NEVER WEAR MY GOA BEACH T-SHIRT FOR AN EXAM.

7th March
(S)mothering!
I dunno where to start. I feel miserable. I’ve just realised that no matter what I do Amma’s gonna be there and try to help me out and be good to me and all. Though she is full of good intentions I want to get away somewhere far where she can’t control me-not control me exactly- even HELP me.
I want to find whatever on my own and I don’t want me to do what they want me to and I don’t want to rebel either. I want to go somewhere far away where nobody can reach me…can trouble me. I’ve always wanted to… after 6 months of ignoring it, it has come back with a bang. I dunno...this strong belief that I’ll lead blocked boring life dictated by her goodwill, I’ll never do anything outstanding, and I’ll never find a crush let alone a true love. I’ll never find magic I’ll never find anything interesting, I’ll fail in everything I do.. This is really eating me.

SELF IMAGE

SORRY FOLKS! COULDNT DO TEH POST ON SATURDAY!
27th February 2004
Self Images!
All these days when I’ve been busy trying to act out this whole farce of being a ‘bubbly’ extrovert. I’ve failed to notice others –observe them, study them. In this huge attempt to seek maximum attention I’ve lost out on knowing others. Yes I can say I am considerably happier caring only for myself and trying to know only myself and putting on a façade by which I want everyone else to know me.
Well of late all the teachers have been asking about the class’s perception of a person -yesterday Shanti and Swati. Today, Ratna. Weird. Well different people viewed me differently and I was asked about my perspectives of others too. I didn’t have one on most people, except the ones who were slightly boisterous or extroverted. Ratna ma’am thinks I’m ‘bubbly’ and she said it like she really believed in it, too. She said that when she heard laughter in the Psychology Department she knew that I was there and that though I laughed and I was bubbly and all I knew when to work. Of course I really like this impression and am proud of being a good enough “actrice” to have created it. But it came as a shock that it could be considered outgoing.
I mean –Duh where is Gowri? It was similar to the time when Akku told me I was creative and therefore wanted me to do architecture and what amma told me about Akku telling her about how I had made a sensible decision to do B A and all. Also about Tej considering my handwriting to be one of the best she’s ever seen in her life when all my life I’ve heard people literally worshipping Akku's handwriting and either telling me how normal or how bad my handwriting was.
ALL THE TIME. There was the time long ago-I think when we were going to Singapore …no Sikkim for a holiday and we were sitting in an airport. Akku and I were writing to Thatha Pati and I was writing in my very best handwriting. Of course I was a young child then and even my best was nothing to beat Akku’s worst. She is 5 years older. Of course she has a beautiful handwriting, with a lovely slant. Mine was never too even and never had much of a slant. There was this man who must’ve been in his mid fifties and his wife (who I think was a foreigner). I don’t remember too much except that this man had a snuff box and kept smelling stuff. He saw Akku’s handwriting and said it was so great. Though I didn’t realise it straight away that seems to have increased my already existing inferiority complex.

It’s maybe just about a year since I have been able to get rid of this inferiority complex. All my life I have lived under the shadow of my brilliant sister. Though my family did try its best o prevent the formation of such a complex –by treating us as equals –in fact by putting Akku down sometimes to make me feel okay, never telling me that I am stupider than her or less pretty or less hardworking or less intelligent. But stupid and insensitive as I was I couldn’t help noting these facts and develop such a complex. It took me nearly 16 years to realise that in spite of being less intelligent and creative than her I had some amount of intelligence and creativity, some amount of prettiness; I liked my eyes for example- soon I got glasses.
I liked my hair for example –soon I stated balding in the front. I guess my sense of humour helped me a lot. Well I guess I accept myself today as a unique individual who needn’t compete with Akku. This is how Appa and Amma have always treated me and Akku too. She has treated me with considerable amount of kindness and been very nice to me many a time.

I owe a lot to Nizam’s for having helped me to get back confidence in myself and my love for myself in spite of not hating others. In both my schools I started loving myself because I hated others.

FUN and PHILOSOPHY

25th February 2004 continued
More on Xpressions
I had thought id stop on that note but going by the responses I’m adding the rest of the story. I’m sure some of you would remember the jokes and the events or chaos over the prizes….

We joked around some more and each one had to go away for something or other. I took a friend to Pick and Move (restaurant) and it was 5 pm when I realised about the slow biking race. Masood was there and he was livid. I apologised as hell and went. He came second last in his race. I couldn’t drive without putting my leg down so I lost pretty soon. Anyway he left after some time.
We were hanging around in the basket ball court when someone called us to help in packing the prizes. I even got to choose what I wanted. Meanwhile I was able to get thru to Appa. Told him I’d be late and all. The fashion parade was to start at 7 p.m. The prize distribution started only at 8.30. There was tremendous confusion. Jagdish called me to help others give out the prizes. Navika was announcing. I fell off the stage once by mistake when I was giving the chief guest the prize. Anyways we took back the prizes and things.
Just saw the solos in the fashion show. Had to go off with Navika to search for Jagdish, who had the prizes, because there was this boy from another college who really wanted it. Anyway Shaista, who had the prizes and refused to give it. I don’t yet have my prizes. Hopefully I’ll get them tomorrow. Came home around 10, ate and slept.
(And there is the word ‘Appa’ written and then scratched out. I’m sure her father must have lectured her a bit on the lateness of the return. :))

23/24th /25th February 2004?
Living in the Moment
(This entry is so profound I can’t believe it was written out just like that! Yet it is smack in the middle of her other entries on 25th about Xpressions and the handwriting is clear, steady and more careful than the reporting on the college fest...)
Every moment in one’s life is a moment by itself. A condition totally new-unprecedented and irrepeatable. While we may try to relive many a moment, we can only achieve similarity and not sameness. There are certain ‘big’ moments –say exams as ‘events’ or certain pieces of work-which may involve months of planning anticipation and anxiety. But eh ultimate ‘big’ moment –one’s actions at that moment happen (italics hers) then-maybe due to the anticipation planning and anxiety, maybe despite it.Whatever the reason the thing happens at the instant (italics hers).
Then there are those things one thinks of after it is complete. They may be memories- pleasant, unpleasant. We may be proud of some moments and ashamed of them. But whatever time we spend in thinking about it is futile because I suppose what is done is done.
However, at the same time, each action leads to consequences. What we do at one moment may change people’s lives for centuries to come or just your life as long as you live. But whatever it is every action matters. However once you’ve messed up an action there’s is no point losing your mind over it. It’s best to make the best of ones resources. I guess I’ve realised that what all those people said when they said “Don’t think of the past and future. Just think of the present” -they were right. That way if you are totally into each moment of your life and try your best at each instant you won’t have to worry or grumble or anything. If you do something don’t think about it too much. Later you’ll try to judge it and see if its constitutionally right or wrong and stat regretting it –maybe because everything has both right and wrong. I hope and I pray that I have the strength to put these penses (French=thoughts) into practice.

NIZAM FETE

I decided to shift to the 2004 diary because this still covers so much of her excitement in Nizam’s college. (The rest of the 2006 diary shifts to TISS.)
24th January 2004
Name For The Diary - Narnia !
You just can’t imagine how glad I am to finally have a diary to write into. I am going to call you Narnia because it says “Narne’ on you and I want you to make as much magic for me as C S Lewis did fro Narnia. I am so glad. Today I am going to give my driving test again and I hope I get through this time.

25th February 2004
X-pressions, Kya Scene Hai!
There’s been quite a bit of excitement in college the past two days because of our college fete X-pressions. I didn’t like it too much day before yesterday but yesterday was too good. Usual starting trouble I guess.
Day before, I was supposed to help in organising ‘Kya Scene Hai’ and with the debate also.
Some of the stuff was hilarious –especially the one where the villain runs off with the hero’s chaddis.
Sat with a friend-he was talking of his life in HPS, at home, in Nizam’s etc. and about how they ragged others. Just then another boy appeared with booze in a Sprite bottle. Other girls and a few more came along too and joined us. All of us were squeezed on to the wall and the boys were secretly swigging off the Sprite bottle. So secretly that even the wiser girls didn’t know! Maybe I wouldn’t have guessed either if this boy hadn’t told me. We then saw one of the group dances and left.
Yesterday morning there was extempore.
Navika got the topic of obesity and she went on about how in poor countries rich people are fat and in rich countries poor people are fat because they can’t afford the gym. Too good it was. I got ‘Sonia and Vajpayee’. I just blabbered some utter nonsense-actually utter sense- obvious things about how they were both great and wanted to be prime minister.
Navika got the first prize and there was tie between Jagdish and me for the second place.
So we had to give speeches again. He got the topic ‘beard’ and managed to impress the jury. I got the topic “Only lunatics love”. I agreed with this and started talking about how everybody was a lunatic because everybody was affected by the moon and started talking about the importance of the moon-how it brings light to the night. To my greatest surprise they gave me the second prize though I deviated so much.

Our team (Jagdih and I) also made it to the final round in the Ad-con. The topic we got in the lucky pick was to make an ad to convince Kantaben (in Kal Ho Na Ho) that homosexuality wasn’t a sin.
Anyway, it all started with me as Kantaben teasing Jagdish about how he comes home each day with a different guy and all. Then he admitted that he was a man’s man. Kantaben gets all angry and asks him to get out of her sight.
In the next scene J acts as if he is getting all beaten up. I come as a journalist (duppatta now worn usual style and not covering my head) and talk about how homosexuality is a natural phenomenon and we do not have the right to punish others just because they are different from us and of a few ancient prejudices. Then J asked (covering his mouth ) “What about our fathers and brothers” and I said gay guys wouldn’t rape them and all. Then the scene changes and I come back again as Kantaben. J asks why I’m happy. I say very shyly that I am a woman’s woman. C’est tout-that’s all!
Other teams did well too… So J and I got the first prize.

Just Another French Class

8th April 2006
Had a loooo…ng French class this morning. Shanti’s not in town …so it seemed even longer I guess. It was fun...in the pause we talked to Amelie about India places and food etc. but sheesh, my French ahs become really pathetic…I just dunno where the aigu is and where the grave is. The other day I couldn’t spell très. Its pathetic.
Anyways after class Anita Sushant and I chatted for a long time. After that I went to the library and borrowed a movie. The librarian was there and I chatted with her for a while. Amelie was writing an English email. She asked me how to spell biriyani. I didn’t know if she wanted it in French or English and I came up with some weirdo mixture. Strangely she spelt it right.
Then I left. On my6 way to the main road, I saw Anoopa (a senior in Nizams). I was real surprised and stopped to say hi. Was real glad to see her. She said she lived real close and asked me to come home. So we went.
It’s really beautiful. One of those old Marredpally houses with a garden and all. As she opened the gate three dogs came barking welcome. I was so glad to see the dogs it was quite obvious on my face. So she said I could stay and help her bathe them. I wish I had. I did totally intend to. Anyway we went in sat down chatted for some time. She gave me some of that Goan sweet that Amma had once bought and we chatted off happily sitting on wooden stools in front of the table in a large spacious kitchen which had windows opening on to the garden. After a while the dogs started barking. Someone had come to take their fridge which had stopped working. So she emptied it and I kina helped her. Then her mom came and they took the fridge away.
Her mom seemed very nice as well. We chatted off normally like Amma and me or something. All the interiors were somehow very Goan. So Anoopa’s been doing this and that ..some research, part time jobs, some courses, I dunno what all.
So she has got admission plus scholarship in the university of Nottingham. That’s real cool. She’s (from) all over the place I believe-Kerala, Tamilnadu, Goa, Karnataka ..everywhere.
Anyway once the fridge went mother and daughter thought about how they should rearrange the kitchen. Anoopa said later, probably because I was there. So I kinda thought I shouldn’t disturb too much and said I should make a move.
I could’ve asked if she was planning to bathe the dogs. I’d have loved to help. Its okay… though she said we should visit again and I said I would, will I? I dunno. I don’t think so. I didn’t feel awkward today but I hate to impose myself on others. I generally don’t like taking the initiative to visit people’s homes.

(I went with her once again…as she kind of drooled over the dogs once again. I think one of the dogs had littered and the puppies were cute)

Impressions of TISS

Sept 2006
This is the first published poem of hers that I saw- though she preferred it to be anonymous most people knew who wrote it…because of one famous occasion where she actually jumped out of a window!

Impressions of TISS

The tall green trees
The rainy days
Clothes which won’t dry
Umbrellas unfound
Blessings from heaven
Plonk! On your head!

People everywhere
Oh so many everywhere!
The tiring ‘Hi’s
The painful smiles
So much ‘nice’ness
Somewhat fake

Classes overcrowded
With windows like doors
The urge to jump out
Amidst the tall trees
The thought of attendance
That makes one sit back

Purring powerful cats
Who fight the helpless dog
A family of monkeys,
That jumps from tree to tree
Infinite birds
Infinite shit and pee

Oh what talk!
Big words, Big thoughts
Marginalisation
Human rights
& what else can it be
But HE-GE-MO-NY?

(UNMAAD, The TISS Annual College Magazine of 2006-07,p46)

Joint Study Efforts!

This is a fair description,typical of the many occassions she resolved she would study! And she would then work herself up into a tizzy the day before an exam.
3rd April 2006

Studying Hard(ly)

Yesterday I went to Tej’s house early in the morning planning to stay overnight and study sociology all day long. While waiting for lunch we called Navika and she said Sukoon their college fest was going on. She wanted us to come and said we could even stay overnight.
We then convinced Vennella also to come over. N said she wasn’t sure if there would be space and then sms’d back asking all of us to come. So we went but didn’t take toothbrush etc. We reached in time for an Antakshari competition that was pretty boring. We thought we’d get back to Tej’s place for the night.
Then Amrita came over and N and A convinced us to stay though there wasn’t enough place to stay saying we wouldn’t sleep through the night. I thought that was sorta crazy at first and wanted to go back since I don’t enjoy dancing or music. But Tej said we’d stay and A said this is the last time we could do something like this together.
Navika did the compereing for the official function. So we stayed for that. There were lots of paintings in that hall and Amrita and I did art analysis. It was fun and Jagdeesh then came along and added his bit of analysis. We saw Rahul acting very busy, organising stuff and all.
After the function was over we went back to the hostel, ate and went for a walk. Navika showed us her old house where my school teacher lives, where another school friend Amina used to live etc. n and T went on a giant wheel and A,V and I did some shooting. And throwing rings. I shot a balloon and A won 2 soaps in the ring throw. We did some more time pass and then we went to the DJ nite.
It was on an open ground …really dark with really bright multicoloured changing lights at one part where the stage and crowd was. They had great lighting effects loud music and IMMENSE crowd. The cool night breeze and the large open space were really good and it saved the place from being like that disco in Mumbai. I guess it was the space and the breeze that actually made me stay and then dance (though I was stiff).
I found it (and still do) crazy that so many people congregate and dance to such loud music and put up with the light and the heat and the noise and seem to actually enjoy it. I wondered if people really do.

Jealousies

25th March 2006
Jealousies
There is this wee bit of jealousy I feel when I think of the others who are very close to my French teacher and her family. It’s quite strange and surely unnecessary!
I do not know why I am so jealous…jealous that my best friends have some other friends. At each step in my life I went through this. (She names many instances through childhood school and college). Even the relationship between Amma and Akku would make me jealous at times. It’s horrible!
Why am I so jealous? It makes me such an introvert and I distance myself from people. Even a word could make me jealous and make me think that I do not belong in a group. I am too ‘sane’ (though not intelligent) and too capable of jealousy to quickly develop fondness for people. I try to maintain a distance always because I am afraid of relationships…to find that my feelings are not reciprocated or to get jealous if I find that the other person likes someone else more than me.
Why do I suffer from this complex? I do have loving parents. I ALWAYS DID. Wonderfully sweet grand parents and amazing home environment, an extremely nice sister who has always loved me even if she tried to bully me/correct me/teach me…why do I fear being rejected by others.
True I’m not a beauty, but actually my fear of rejection is deeper than appearance. I do not strongly feel that I’m ugly, I just hate the way I look, the way I talk, the way I’m so clumsy and self conscious…I’ve always been as long as I can remember. People always used to say “relax, be free, and let your body go freer…” when I learnt dance and stuff.
I never could do the trust fall. Do I have basic anxiety? But why?
I remember nice loving caring parents always. Can it be because Amma was a working woman? I know I reject the idea...never consider it coz I don’t want Amma to feel bad about it. I know she hated the idea and would go on the defensive like I’m blaming her or something. The fact is I’m not blaming her. I understand completely. Duh! Who’d want to be housewife and she was working in a career she cared about.
She already had a daughter and she’d worked even though she did. So why should she give up her career for a second daughter? There is no need when you look at it practically. Heck! There’s food ,clothing a caretaker during the day and play school and she’d be back in the evening. So what’s all the fuss about? And this kid has a sis too… and a dad and a mami and she’d konjufy the kid in the morning and evening anyway. She was spending quite a bit of time with the kids anyway. She cared for them, struggled to put them in a school without competition, encouraged them to play, sing, draw, paint and have a good time. Gave them positive feedback, what didn’t she do?
And what didn’t Appa do? He took us on picnics was always nice to us bought stuff for us, cared for us. What didn’t they do? I don think they missed out or messed up in any way,
So where does this complex stem from?
Isn’t an individual a product of socialisation? Isn’t the family the primary socialisation? Hey! Let’s think of secondary socialisation…that wasn’t great to me was it…look at your school days Suku, not what I’d call fabulous. That’s probably it. I don’t like thinking about it or writing about it. I should deal with it and get out of it…its now 5 years since I left the place but the complex lives on. Get out of it ma Cherie, Suku kutty you can do it, Gowri, tu peux la faire!

Decision-making

13th March 2006
Decision
Are my confusions getting clearer or am I getting more confused? Dunno.
Kinda came to a decision today. Decided I wouldn’t try for masscom. as of now coz I’d first like to study Sociology or maybe Anthropology. So I’m writing just 5 entrances. JNU Soico, HCU Socio, HCU Anthro, CIEFL Culture Studies, TISS Social Work. Let’s see what I get into. Even if I get into none, it’s not the end of my world. OK, that’s the order of priority as well. Must try whole heartedly with full effort for all five and then see.
Another dilemma--to join Business French or not? Shanti’s gonna take a Business French course this Saturday. Morning classes …end in June. So the logic? Good to have another certificate. It would keep me active and hardworking to go to early morning classes. But the problem is time. Maybe Alliance will bring back some time management skills. Maybe I need more challenges. If I can’t manage I can just quit I guess. May be I should go for it considering Shanti’s taking it.
Thank god, found my scooter key today. I was so totally HAPPY- ECSTATIC to tell the truth. It was great. Amma, R and I went on a shopping spree.

27th March 2006
Indecision
Early this morning, it struck me that if I had ANY guts I’d try and apply to an ad agency and try to work properly this time. In the creative department, I’d try my hand at copywriting. .. I truly would. It would make a lot of sense in this Golden era of advertising. Maybe I should try. I might actually have fun. I might actually even become rich or famous. I might actually become a writer. I don’t think I’ll need to waste time trying to follow academic pursuits. My mind isn’t really academic and I don’t actually derive that much interest from theories and hypotheses except when they agree with my own. I am far too self -centred to care about the working of society and to understand it properly. I am far too self centred for social service. I really think I should try my hand at advertising. I guess I do have the creativity when it comes to that. Maybe I should try that out.

I cant tell amma this now. She’ll be furious. I’ll have to make my resume, get second opinion from Amma and Akku and maybe Seva and then send it somewhere. Maybe monster .com or naukri.com? Or maybe I should check out the O&M website.
I can just hear amma tell someone “Suku is fine. She’s entirely concentrating on Sociology. How do I tell her? She was so relieved .I was so relieved. I thought I was decided …fixed. … point finale. But no! My mind has to waver more. I won’t tell her or anybody else now. I’ll think about it for a while longer. I will study socio and anthro and do my best in all the exams. We will see…

CONTINUATIONS

9th March 2006
A Close Call!
Thank God! I believe that this guy (unnamed) never liked me. He always liked another friend of mine. Thank goodness…I escaped imminent embarrassment expecting /believing that he liked me and feeling yuck because of that. Thank Goodness! I escaped.
But it is weird when I think what vanity I must’ve had to assume that he liked me. How did I assume that? I never thought I was that kind of person. How idiotic I am. Anyways, he proposed to this friend and she didn’t mind too much. So that’s ok.

More on Social Strata
Had a long conversation with another friend today. She came up with amore plausible theory about why stratification based on money existed in our school. It is the uniform. Perhaps my theory doesn’t apply in this case but it’s a pretty neat conceptual formulation… though it’s real simplistic and Pareto would have considered it non logico experimental and therefore unscientific.
It’s real cool because human social interactions go on cyclically to satisfy human social needs. Since we are all so similar we have different criteria fro differentiation. We get caught up in these differences that we have a great need to belong. So we from groups with commonalities that in turn differ from other groups within these groups differences and perhaps stratification or group formation again emerges and so on…

11th March 2006
Prof Shanta Sinha’s talk
It was a very interesting day yesterday. At college, I attended a3D max class and then a seminar by Prof Shanta Sinha on child labour. What she said was really touching…she also introduced some ideas which were absolutely new for me. I have never been so inspired by a lecture.
For example she said that child labour is not always because of poverty. On the contrary it is often caused by the argument of poverty. She made us understand that there are several examples of how the very poor children are sent to school when compared to the slightly better off. She also said that children often feel hurt in school. Not just by angry words or violence, but the simple absence of teachers in classes.
She also said that if one wished to boycott products involving child labour, one cannot eat anything or construct anything with a brick in India, because child labour exists everywhere.

Me Meera again
I lost my scooter key – came home by auto.
My friends stayed over because Appa and Amma were out of town. We went to the alliance and saw “Me Meera”. The voice just didn’t go with ‘Meera’ and was too wannabe as Navika put it. I had immense pleasure in telling the director that the voice sucked big time. He said “I know, it’s too local.”
I was like “No it’s not Hyderabad, its Tamilian. And he was like “It’s so tough to find the right voice.” I was outright nasty, not at all sympathetic. It was fun…

A Little Wounded Bird

I remember this well- often finding the funny aspect was the best way to restore her perspective on things. And usually there was something to giggle .

Friday 3rd March 2006
Of a Bird That Flew Off!
I feel horrible as though I did something really terribly bad. I feel so terrible and guilty.
Today when I came back home from the market I saw this really kutti (tiny) bird lying on its side, bang on my way. If I hadn’t noticed I’d have run over it. I saw that it was alive but struggling to live. So I picked it up, fondled it in my palms praying. Then I realised that there was something wrong with its left eye….half of it was red so I thought it couldn’t see. There were some thuluka pasangal (Muslim boys) playing outside. So I asked if one of them would hold the bird and come to hospital in Padmaraonagar. So they agreed. I handed the bird over to them brought the veggies up locked the house and ran down again. They said the guy who had agreed to come was scared so another one agreed to come. So we went to the veterinary hospital. Everybody there kept asking me what kind of bird it was and stuff like that. I of course didn’t know. When I took it inside to the doctor she examined it while it was still in my hand and said it was ok and that its eye was ok and then I told her how it was lying on its side. She tried to take it and it just flew and clung to my duppatta. Then I tried to take it in my palm and again it flew up over the tube light…oh so close to the fan. The doctor got real scared and asked someone to switch off the fan and light. Then this guy there stood on a chair and caught the bird. The poor thing was struggling in his hands and eh gave it to me. I didn’t want to hold it tight and crush its wings and feathers. So it flew off again this time to the windowsill. Stuck between the glass, the grill and this guy trying to catch her, the poor bird had a tough time. So I dunno, crazy me, I just opened the window and she flew out. I was feeling really guilty that I had ruined stuff and intervened unnecessarily in nature’s way and taken the bird to some strange place away from her kin and left her there.
I felt really guilty and talked to Amrita. She was like it’s not all that bad, at least you tried what you could and it is better than if the bird had died near home and also that the hospital wasn’t some alien land. I kinda felt a little better after that.
Just now I spoke to Amma and I feel much better. That was basically because I told her about how an venerable tamizh auntie who lives nearby gasped when she saw a proper thuluka payyan sitting behind me on the bike…full with jubba toppy and all. She was totally scandalised and was pointing out to her son and daughter thinking i didn’t see her. I said “Namskaram Maami” with utmost orthodoxy and carried on. Poor thing, she just didn’t know how to react. Damn funny to be scandalised by a little Muslim boy sitting behind me…especially when he is at least 10 years younger than me. Amma also found it hilarious.

Tuesday 21st February 2006
Les Mots (Words)!
“Tout les enfants sont des miroirs de mort” (All children are mirrors of death)-Jean Paul Sartre.
Is that true? Do children really reflect death? Maybe I should read about Nachiketa Dialogues with death and also Dialogues with the Dead by Vijllipsky or whoever. There is a lot to read.

Local theory

Sorry im a day late!

Local Theory on Social Needs

A typical need to build a theory based on her expereince!

Tuesday 7^th March 2006

Human beings in general have two kinds of social needs. One is to identify oneself with others, empathise and belong to a group-the need for belongingness. Another is the need to distinguish oneself from others…reinforce one’s own uniqueness, one’s exclusiveness in one’s own mind…to feel special and different. The two needs coexist. Perhaps when a population is almost uniform and kind of homogeneous …when people in it are nearly similar, the need for distinguishing oneself gains more importance. But when there are a lot of differences…socio economic cultural etc. the need for belonging becomes greater. I don’t know if it is true for greater systems but in my personal experience I guess it is so.

Basically I arrived at this from the seemingly weird way in which so much stratification happened in my school while so little existed in a larger school that my friend went to.

In my school almost all the children came from the same socio economic background...elite, middleclass and upper middle class and upper class. No first generation literates, all westernised having educated parents with TVs, fridges, vehicles etc. My friend’s school had representatives from all sections of society, ranging from children of the poor to those of the rich, from the children of the illiterate to the highly educated families, and yet, at least according to my friend, there was barely any stratification. Even if there was it was none too rigid. Perhaps when the kids are from such varying and diverse backgrounds, there was a greater need to bridge the existing gaps and identify with each other. Whereas in my school, perhaps there was need to MAGNIFY the existing differences to make one feel unique and special. There were socio economic differences, who’s rich, who’s kool and who’s ‘in’. That’s what it was I guess.

12^th March 2006

My theory is becoming stronger and stronger. In everything I read I find it or ideas leading to it and its becoming broader too.

My theory is that when there is a lot of homogeneity to start with people begin to feel too common and their need to distinguish themselves becomes IMMENSE. Thus conflicts are greater in small intimate social groups as (Georg Siramel noted) because they share a sense of belonging, of identity. This could also be because each of us has a part in us that detests what we are …everything we stand for…thanatos. (death drive)

This was my understanding of Vimal Aunty’s explanation about how people tend to get angrier with others when they do something they themselves have done. There is a great sense of indignation when a person identifies oneself with the act. Perhaps this boils down to a need to change. I guess the basic need could be a need to change .perhaps the belonging identity and the differentiation / specialisation need are both manifestations of the need to change.

Anyway coming back to my theory, there is a greater need for identity and belonging in a highly heterogeneous group. Thus as people fulfil their needs a homogeneous groups becomes heterogeneous and a heterogeneous group becomes homogeneous all in cycles, its more or less like the theory of ‘incoherent homogeneity’ to ‘coherent heterogeneity’. In fact IT is that.

Somehow I feel I’ve complicated life…I started off with ‘identity’ as ‘belongingness’ and ‘group identity’ and ended up with it being ‘individual identity’ or the need to specialise. I guess basic needs could then just be identity. Maybe I should leave this obsession for a while, study sociology with an open mind, sans bias and come back to it later if I still want to.

College Tensions and School Days

16th February 2006
I recall the tension her whole group in college went through over this incident. I hope the ‘contestants’ are now ok with each other.

High anxiety
Oh God! It’s so HORRIBLE. One boy in my class TRULY, REALLY WANTS TO KILL another chap. And who wouldn’t? If I were him and the other chap had done that to me...got me ACTUALLY BEATEN UP by the police for no fault of mine by BRIBING the police…wouldn’t I hate him so much! If I were humiliated and treated as a gunda by the police after all the good things I’d done and got blamed and beaten for the other chaps faults while he sat on a chair and watched. Wouldn’t I hate like that?
WHY WAS I SO INSENSITIVE? I didn’t realise it was so serious a problem…I thought it was a joke and showed it too. How can he be calmed down?
God I hope he forgets ‘coz if he does something as vengeance he'll have to pay for that too…probably spend his life in jail or get killed by gunda politicians.
The worst part is that they’re both my friends. Not so much the second chap-he’s too crazy and unpredictable actually.
But this first guy is a good friend of mine...one of my few close friends at Nizam’s though he’s crazy as well. I hope he has the good sense to keep out of the vengeance mode.
I hope I didn’t hurt him today-guess he won't be bothered thinking of what I said and did. He’s too busy!

17th February 2006
School Reunion
We had a ‘school reunion’ –some four or five of us. Divya ,Neelam, Neha,Amrita and Vidharshana. Never met Neelam after school. We had a real nice time. They were all their usual some times nasty selves….but otherwise ..Actually even that… was very nice. Some strange way we have so much in common. It’s weird the way no two of us is doing the same thing. It’s really weird.
But we still have so much in common. Those memories. The understanding of the people we were the experiences we had and the ‘incidents’ that took place…Oh boy! It felt really good when we kept recalling stuff and laughing at the way we are still just the same. Neelam and I fulfilled our long unfulfilled desire of going up by lift. The teachers were very sweet. I always had a strong bonding with one or two of them. Of course one of them commented on the mischievous glint in my eyes. And Quasar (one teacher’s dog) is fine I believe. One teacher’s little daughter is suddenly so grown up. Another has had a boy cut and looks real young.

18th February 2006
School Recall
Its strange how I told Smriti and Shrae’s mom about one of my earliest memories… so openly though I knew she is not the one to appreciate my type of ‘cuteness'. I told her about how I’d celebrated one of my birthdays with the twins coz their birthday is on 21st Feb and amma had konjified me saying how for kutti babies monthly birthdays are allowed.
I must have been three or four. I remember the music hall and Thomas teacher .It was an assembly and they gave chocolates. I didn’t have any to give and I wondered why and later I realised it wasn’t my b’day and that people had only yearly birthdays. Of course I didn’t tell her in all this detail…I didn’t tell her how Amma had konjified me and told me about monthly birthdays and made me feel that birthday feeling…that special feeling of superiority . I guess it wouldn’t go with the school principal image that people have of my mom.
It’s sad how I’m only remembered as the principal’s daughter. Or even worse as one person introduced me “Amita Desai's daughter, no. sorry Lalitha Iyer’s daughter.”
I mean Amma’s in the genre of the outside woman trying to do Principalling.
And well me, I went to school before her,I’m just her daughter.
And I saw the nursery kids running and hugging their teacher and remembered how she was once the world to me and that reminded me of me..
What I meant to write was “Wow I’ve changed so! I have become so much more expressive that I can share my memories and experiences with random acquaintances. I realise why I normally feel so sad in school. I had this feeling that all the happiness I experienced there was unreal, that nobody cared for me as me but only remembered amma or akka . Talking to all these friends and teachers yesterday made me feel much better.