Sunday, November 29, 2009

on sisterhood

1st September 2005
I am not the ideal sister for Akku. Since she is going to leave in three days I try to be helpful and make up for it… It’s really sad that she is going to leave so soon. I know I’ll miss her. She is suddenly so sweet and nice and I think she is nice and SHE IS but I can’t take the nastiness-after the sweetness. If she were uniformly sweet or nasty or moderate my life would be so much simpler!
My life has always depended on Akku.-she has had such an influence on me for as long as I can remember that its going to be tough with her so far off. I feel this sense of loss this void...

8th September 2005
When Akku cried on the phone yesterday -she didn’t cry, cry but her voice faltered I tried to laugh her out of it. Amma felt so much when Akku left... Me, yes I did, but not so much as Amma.

12th September 2005
Akku left me so many material things…so much material gain but it only saddens me. I miss her badly. She’ll now be on her flight from Dubai to New York. Hope she is ok. Poor thing. Its14 hours, I really miss her.

18th September
It’ll be Sunday morning in Cincinnati.
The first morning Akku’ll wake up in her Cincinnati flat there! Cool! Tomorrow she’ll go to University. I really am glad.

28th October 2005
God! Amma is being awful to me…I dunno she’s just so bored of me and all...just because she is angry with Appa.
Yesterday I had this image of a girl whose parents had fought and loathed the sight of each other and consequently loathed the sight of the girl for she was a representative of the ‘other’ –each took refuge in their ‘porandahams’-their patents’ houses and this girl is left alone with no 'porandaham' to go to...homeless...for each parent loathed her, thinking her to represent the other. Actually it was just a small simple thought…an exaggeration of my probably impending (perhaps...actually NOT impending) state...just like the conversation this girl had with her mom as to where she’d go…and I thought for the girl. What would she do? Whom could she turn to? The mother would ask her to marry, but whom could she trust she’d lost faith in marriages watching parents’ “marital bliss”.
Were, just a bit of imagination…vague unconnected situations, probabilities, possibilities, events which never were people inexistent…they come once in a while. I think “Hey, that’d make a good story. Maybe I should develop that.” But I never write about these things. They’re lost forever...unwritten.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

more poems

Friday 26th August 2005
Finally finished “Sybil” … what can I say? It was wonderful, I feel I read it even when I thought of it in gaps I felt loads of things. I felt like Peggy Lou. I understood her and Vicky and ‘others’. It was a great book though I dunno about the psychoanalysis part…the emphasis was so truly the psychoanalytic perspective…narrow repression, anxiety, guilt, primal scene …but it did work in this case and it was true. It was great in spite of its American-ness-I mean the author, I didn’t like her. I don’t know why. But Sybil and the others, I felt like one of them –especially Peggy Lou (angry)!

More poems
(Undated in separate scarps of paper-the writing looks earlier than 2005)

Write write write
i must
i want to write
i wish to write
great poems, epics, great stories great songs
happy nice wonderful and long
for oh so long
was it all along?
I wanted to write
I do tonight
Perhaps one night I just might.

The stories of millions wiped out forever
The past, lost
Drowned buried deep
Never to be retrieved
Their lives once real
Once lived
Now so far away so pointless so meaningless
Like mine will be one day.
In a few years or months or minutes or seconds
This paper will be lost or crumpled
Or cut or lost
It’ll mingle with the earth
From whence it came
Just like I will
With my life
My story
Just like zillions of others
Lost forever.

Saturday, November 14, 2009


17th August 2005-
Nationalism and Language
(In Hindi ) Saw the movie “Mangal Pandey –The Rising” today. Kaaphi teekh taakh tha! Not wonderful and all but history reconstructed. I haven’t got inspired to write in Hindi seeing the film-it wasn’t that touching or anything. But of late I have been realising the need to use some of our own languages! Truth to tell, I’m not so crazy about all these foreign languages. English has become part of us and we can’t live without it. But why other foreign languages-French? Can hardly say this now just before my French exam…
(In Tamizh) I’m afraid Hindi is the only Indian language I can use to a certain extent. I cannot write what I wan to say even in my mother tongue, Tamizh…

Sensitivity to Others
(In English) My actual purpose of writing was different. Today there was beggar outside and I was sitting in the car and eating chips. Since a chip was readily available, I just showed it to him. He didn’t seem to mind and put forward his tin-he didn’t have palms-and I put it in. Just that ONE chip and I didn’t feel bad about it-it seemed the natural thing to do…. The beggar didn’t seem to mind either….I didn’t observe his face expression or even his face properly.

Immediately Akku said “Chee, How can you do that, Suku? That’s like insulting him.”
That time I did it WITHOUT feeling I was in the wrong. My first response was to argue –to say he didn’t mind. Only much later did it strike me that I didn’t even give the entire packet. I brushed it off my mind. I’m sure I can even now….but what about for him?
I lie here comfortably with two pillows and a full belly talking of my guilt-mild though it may be and soon I’d forget the beggar and the incident.
But what about him-out in the cold, the rain, and the urine drenched footpaths, with barely enough clothes, with no fingers, a rod and a bowl. What about him? How horrid it must be everyday to take little bits of money-50p or 1re from grudging people. And some idiotic bourgeoise kid sitting in a car and munching far more than she NEEDS to...a bloody selfish thoughtless kid had the audacity to him a chip. A CHIP and went off munching, munching, munching. It is unfair, so UNFAIR. I would have cursed her punished her if and only if she were not me. Save me from the consequences of my actions! Yes I feel bad, but so what? What will the beggar get?
And why did that autowallah thank me? I DO NOT DESRVE THANKS. Savaari karne ke liye he said when I asked him, kyaa hua jyaada paisa de diya kya…is it just customer service spreading to auto wallahs? Could he read my mind? Did I pay him extra? I don’t know and I don’t know if I ever shall. I have too much and yet I want more.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

nizami zamana

post 24, Wednesday July 27th 2005
Ha! It really makes me LAUGH to think of it all. Psychology Ma’am thinks I think a LOT TOO MUCH of myself.
There were 5 or 6 of us and she asked us to conduct an experiment on logical reasoning on ourselves. So anyways I got a pretty good score and all 57/60 or something since the experiment itself was pretty simple. So I looked up the manual and 55 was 95 percentile and the subject (i.e. person tested) was “intellectually superior”. So I found it quite a jolly thing to be. COOL! ME! Intellectually superior? IMPOSSIBLE!!! No One else got that score in my class, so Ma’am wasn’t overly pleased and had to say “Congratulations”, and give me a disapproving smile. BOY was it funny.
Then she told me to write the discussion and I made a weirdo attempt. So she told me how it was wrong and corrected it. That was pretty normal and she told me how to write a discussion properly.
The phone rang –and I hope it isn’t for me. Someone has picked it up and would have yelled for me if it was for me. Therefore I deduce it is not for me since I’m psychologically tested to be “intellectually superior” HA, HA, HA!
So, to continue, I was all happy especially since I knew she wasn’t too pleased and well, I couldn’t hide my glee. She had to put me in my place and she said “Maybe in this you are good, but you won’t have such a high score in say verbal ability”. This statement was basically to illustrate why I had to add the words “in logical reasoning”. DAMN FUNNY…

And she turned to ‘A’, her new found favourite and asked if he does SUDOKU.. I didn’t know that it was addressed to him, so I just said “Yeah, SUDOKU that’s fun, I used to do it for 2 or 3 weeks after it came but I stopped –got too monotonous. I like it. It’s easy,” or something to that effect since Amma and all consider me such a natural expert- Sukudoo does Sudoku! ‘A’ didnt seem to have heard of any such thing. She glares at me and I continue with my work.

So anyways it looks today’s the day for bitching about this Ma’am or something. Let me go on. A few days ago she was just making general conversation with three of us. ‘A’ her favourite, J and me. She asked us what we wanted to do in future. J declared he would do MA in child psychology. She said, “You can’ t do MA ,there’s only P G diploma in Child Psychology”. THE HUNBLE SELF “In Osmania University”. They both seemed to have understood that already.
Anyway ‘A’ s turn next. “I dunno” and my turn “I dunno”. She gives up on me and delivers along speech full of concern to ‘A’, “But you must know what you are interested in...What do you want to become?” ‘A’ says he is interested in films.
“Making or Acting?”
“Don’t want to do acting?”
She seems to think he’s highly handsome and would make a better actor. That’s just my deduction born out of my reasoning abilities. She tells him about some film school or something and turns to me…all interest in students lost by then…
“So when will you decide?”
“Soon enough Ma’am”
“Will you decide or your mother decide”
Boy, she’d touched the wound with a pointed needle! The ultimate insult…
Loud voiced me” “I will”, with an egoistic, narcissistic emphasis on the I.
And she goes on about something else… I just go on yeah yeahing and class terminates. End of episode.
She is probably right about my verbal ability thing. The emails I write to my friends are RIDICULOUSLY BORING, DRAB AND TOTALLY DEVOID OF HUMOUR –vitreous aqueous or any other kind.
And my (Alliance) French Ma’am tells me I have the potential to get a ‘tres bien’ or ‘bien’ in the diploma exam. It takes work to make potential kinetic.