Saturday, July 31, 2010


Begins to feel again!

16th September 2004

Feels like it’s been ages since I’ve written in you and indeed it has. Of late I’ve been feeling pretty low insecure and depressed and stuff. Actually that stable satisfaction is lost and I have begun to feel stuff again. So it’s like I feel happy and sad and stuff. I’m actually once again affected by what people say and do and search for inner meanings and feel hurt and stuff.
This boy from first year actually gave me chocolates and rachis as gifts. I was pretty shocked. Didn’t expect him to give me gifts and all.

25th September 2004
Why can I not naturally like people? Why do I have this penchant for hating all human beings other than myself? Why is it always contempt or awe? Why not affection? WHY? I hate it but I just do not feel affection towards humans except when I try telling myself that I must and then act like I do. Do all people find it so? Maybe I’ll never know if people are as secretive as me….

On writing
27th September 2004
It is not natural that one writes a story or a novel without a reason. No one can do that. Obviously if I write a story or novel I write it for publication, for money, to become a celebrity. If I write for such a purpose and not for my pleasure I cannot write well. Or at least that is what I think. However, I like the thought of writing a story or a novel and I want to do it quickly. I have lots of things to do and must do them quickly.

On Learning
29th September 2004
Often I feel pathetic that my learning ,my awareness ,my wisdom, my knowledge-they are all so limited. Often I think I must become all knowledgeable and vomit out all the facts and stuff like so many others I know. But there’s something within me which pulls me back –which says I won’t remember anything anyway. Then I realise I just want to blurt out fact just so that people think I’m great. I don’t really w ant to learn and get to know stuff. It’s pathetic really. I must change it.
20th Oct 2004
Everything I learnt so far has been forgotten-even things which I felt I had a deep insight into. All that chemistry I learn is all gone waste. No learning to me is permanent. To what use all this education. I will forget all this book learning of ideas theories and concepts in NO time. Well some things like Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle which specially appealed to me may last a little longer. But it is all forgotten too soon. Of what use are these qualifications or these degrees these schools, theses colleges these books when one has no ability to retain for life. But when life itself is so temporary why complain about learning? It’s annoying

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Time-less Troubles

20th August 2004
(Written fully in French)
There are so many ideas, so many hypotheses, so many theories and one needs time, space, energy and patience to reflect on. But unfortunately for me I don’t have the time when I have the patience or the desire and when I have both I do not have the space. It is a pity, truly. Every day there are some things that I have to do immediately. There are all these deadlines too. There are those passing things that have to be done within time limits. Then there are those other things which don’t have these pressing deadlines which as important if not more so. One has to always prioritise and take these decisions!

I would also like to discuss another issue. How to accept compliments! I do not know how to do this. When some one gives me a compliment I do not know how to react. Often I think they are mocking or teasing me and are not serious. Then I don’t accept these compliments well-not at all. This is really regrettable because my reactions are really silly. But above all I have to study now! Alors!

French Comedy
21st August 2004
Pre-exam blues
Gosh! I’m kind of sick of French. I don’t plan to join the next level, 400, if I pass and that’s a big if by itself. Maybe I should just give up, but I want to pass and then leave, so it would be a positive end. Hope that happens!
I won’t be joining what ever happens so maybe I shouldn’t even care. But it’s only 2-3 days and giving up now would be ridiculously typical of me. Bye.

27th August 2004
Poster Prize
Guess what? I won the first prize for that poster making competition at Alliance Francaise and I got the course fee for the next level free! Cool! But just when I was having this dilemma of whether to join level 400 or not! Good! It helps me decide. The best part was when the Directeur went on about how it was surrealistic and made it sound symbolic as hell. Too good!

29th August 2004
Post Poster Prize
It’s strange how the way one thinks and feels about a certain thing changes so much with time. Great things in retrospect seem like petty achievements. I dunno –it’s just weird. Actually a part of me still feels real great about being called surrealist and stuff. But this afternoon I realised how it is such a petty thing.
I have earned a level of French free. I want to see my poster on the notice board. This is much an honour as Akku telling me I am creative.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Grieving for her Kitten

7th August 2004


This is so horrible. Such a tiny little “Poochi”, such a beauty her tail longer than her body, my little tigress with all her care, affection, love, sense and independence, all her violence and her grace, her fun and joy and life, all gone. One instant so close to me and then no more. I love my “Cheeli” so much; but she is dead and buried and gone. Yet I feel her everywhere. I feel she’s following me down the stairs waiting for me outside the loo, scratching the screen (outside the bathroom door) as she waits to come running in. There will never be anyone like her. Yes, 3 months is not long, but a few days were enough to change my life. It was such a pleasure to love, to “conjify” (=pet), to admonish, to try to train, to try to understand, to imagine I’m being loved, to communicate with, to play with, to protect and to be with Poochi. No matter what happened I still had some love left for Poochi. Cleaning up after her, feeding her even if I’m the hungriest person on earth, allowing her to scratch and gnaw… I adore her from her lovely body to her adorable nature. How she shone in the sun even when she was dead.
What little fuss she made in adjusting to our household. How she won all hearts in no time. My darling Poochi, she could recognise outsiders …so many times I want to callout Pooooocheee….where are you? She’s dead. I buried her myself.

5th August 2004
No comfort

(This is an entry is about a friend who was trying to comfort her, not very successfully…)
I don’t know why thinks she knows MORE every millisecond of her life. Normally it is not tough putting up with her know-all-ness, but when she started lecturing me on what to do to get over Poo’s death and when she started telling me how much she cared Poo and cats in general and when none of this seemed to work she started telling me about Poo like she knows all about Poo because she scratched her ear for 5 minutes one day, I really lost it.
But I was listening to all her theories and stuff when poor Poo was dying on my lap. And how do I go on listening to more of this. I am to blame.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


5th August 2004

Today we had our first class in social anthropology with JP Sir. Boy was it great! Anthropology includes almost everything that interests me. I must do it. I have to start research where, how? Also the first practical class of psychology. That was fun too. This new ma’am is very funny –her jokes and way of speaking. Kept laughing the whole class and it continued during French class too.

6th August 2004
Complicated situations

Sometimes life can get very complicated. THANK GOD I don’t have such problems. This issue of three friends A-B-C is so horrible. Most of last year they were inseparable friends.-damn close and all. A (male) and B (female) were going round together and all. Anyways they fought and became worst enemies.

Now there are two versions. According to B, a used to keep going home and telling people about B and C all the time. So his mum asked him if he loved B and wanted to marry her etc. So he asked her if she would marry him and stuff and she said ‘no’. They both took it light and thought they would be friends like they were. Then after a few days he told her that wasn’t able to look at her just as a friend and so she started avoiding him. Meanwhile he has gone and written all kinds of stuff about her in his diary-which he used to quite publicly carry around….Well that’s her version.

A’s version according to another friend D is that B proposed to A and they started going around together and had a good time. Then A seriously fell for her and when he proposed she ditched.

Now comes the present. Whatever the truth was/is they all (A, B, C) loath each other and B and C have gone and complained to some student leaders that A is abusing them. Believe he’s threatened to kidnap her, rape her, take photographs and stick it all over college and her home. He denies this of course.

No matter how much we speak to him it doesn’t work! But I guess we should look at it from his perspective too. He was betrayed by her. She denies everything that seems like truth to him. He wants revenge. He may have imperfections but then…why would he write false stuff in his diary? HIS PERSONAL DIARY? WHY? I dunno. Yes he’s aggressive and a little stupid at times, but then taking ‘action’ might ruin his life.

August 14th
Guess what, I met Reshma today. You can’t believe how good I felt. I met another friend too, but the greater glory subdues the lesser I guess. Believe she’s doing her Journalism and masscom in London and is here for her vacations. Anyways since she’s here and lives so close to the Alliance she’s started French. After coming back we all went to Bhongir.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

College News

College News
July 24th 2004

There’s a lot to write about. Briefly:
• Violence in the college the day before yesterday. Usual folks involved. BA vs BSc. Yesterday they sough revenge and the police came in. will explain later
• Yesterday I spoke my mind to my best friend and did some sort of counselling
• A friend thinks I’m now at the pinnacle of my life. If this is the pinnacle then what is non pinnacle? Actually she’s right in a way-better than I was!
Sleepy now ….

July 25th 2004
There are so many times when I want to write so many things in you. But I just don’t. Never mind why, so many thoughts feelings and ideas go unrecorded, unremembered. I wonder if memory does need external aids like diaries. Why can’t I remember my own life without photographs and written accounts? Nowadays somehow I don’t feel like elaborating. Once something is over it’s over and I lose interest. What seems to be the most exciting thing on earth seems dull and drab the next moment!

4th August 2004
I can write at leisure now, only I might ruin my eyes because I’m in a dark bedroom with the light from the hall to illuminate this page. There was lots to say but sanding in the toilet and writing was far too uncomfortable.
Was supposed to be in college by nine but went a bit late. French Sir asked me my marks thinking they’d be pathetic since I’d missed so many of his classes. Well when I said 40/40 he sure was surprised. I had anyways pretended I didn’t know French and never let on that I actually learnt some more too.
In the sociology class, yesterday’s debate about ethnocentrism was apparently forgotten. I didn’t bring it up either. Some friends played the fool as usual. Tej and I then went on a Navika hunt and found her in the basketball court. We wanted her to do the presentation for the GD.
In the psychology class ma’am was on Gestalt and perception. Since I’d read it I contributed quite a bit and as usual she didn’t want me to. But nobody else did and I was bored so I spoke. So anyways, she asked me once again if I was an only child or a younger child. I guess that’s what she’d been…the other day she tells me to my goddam face that she thinks I’m irresponsible and that she saw my mother and thought she was very responsible and that I looked just like my mother. Every goddam class she asks me if I’m an only child. So when I told her “spoilt child” she agreed like it was the most evident fact of life. I most certainly do not think I’m a spoilt child. At least I’m not narrow minded self- centred and bad at communication. I mean, I thought feeling insecure was my forte until I met her!
Prathiksha came in the middle of the class and we went to invite VP and other Sirs arrange chairs etc.
Then the GD. Boy was it fun today. One girl went on and on about how ragging is sinister and another boy went off fulltoo extreme about how if you rag they commit suicide. And this other guy kept saying weird funny things and called someone a feminist and someone else a communist. This set off another debate at a tangent.
Sir came in and changed the discussion a bit and made us focus a bit more on the topic. The whole thing was very funny. It’s on reservations next week.
Went to French class-uneventful except that I saw French sir who was in a meeting there peep out and he recognised me too.
When I came back home my friend taught me how to chat on the net. Can you believe it, I didn’t know how to until now. Anyways while I was chatting another friend called and I had to concentrate on the chat as well. She probably thought I wasn’t happy to talk to her. I should have told one of them to wait.