Saturday, June 26, 2010


I never heard why it was called Peas and Carrots. i only know that she rechristened it 'Pause and Carrots' becasue most of the time she was being directed to pause! The director was not amused though she though it funny! She got a Calvin and Hobbes annual for her efforts and lolled around enjoying it!

July 7th 2004
Yes …No…Yes….But….
I don’t know why I’m so confused in life….I don’t know if my last decision is right. I don’t know what is right.
I’ve once again decided to act in that movie. I don’t know if I told you, but the day before yesterday I dropped out because Navika had to. I believe they’ve now found someone else for her role but no one else for mine. The lead actor called in the morning and told me that if he was the problem I needn’t worry. Why would he be the problem? I have nothing against him. It’s my other friend who doesn’t get along with him.
That day I lied to them so I could drop out and said Appa Amma wouldn’t allow me and the worst par was they actually sympathised. I dunno. I said I convinced Appa and Amma and they said OK.

July 14th 2004
Gosh! The movie is so goddam irritating. The script is totally pathetic. There are so many parts that can be torn to bits. I have no clue why they are wasting all this money. Honestly! Beats me…

July 16th 2010
Feels like ages since I last wrote here though it’s barely two days. Sometimes I don’t get the time even if I’m dying to write and sometimes even if I have all the time I have nothing to write.
Guess what I’ve been doing this movie for the pas few days. I mean I’ve been acting in it. It’s an obnoxiously stupid and irritating script and it beats me how I actually accepted. What a dumb thing to feel pity and do things. Ridiculous.
When I first read the scrip I was nearly certain that here was no way I was going to do it.
And then I thought. If I do it what am I going to get and what am I going to lose? Well may be I’ll learn how movies are made and what goes into it and I’d probably miss a few classes at worst.
You must bear in mind that at that moment I was getting really fed up of the stuff on TV and didn’t find a gripping book. Anyways I thought, why not? So I accepted.
Of course it’s not all that bad. Sometimes it is even fun. But boy, it is that direction that is killing. It all remains to me a great wonder…the more think about human nature the more stupid it seems. They are all very polite to me...but the politeness itself is killing. Who cares anyway?

July 17th 2004
The movie’s over at long last. Thank God. It wasn’t finished properly and the dubbing is still to be done but it is over all the same. Yeah! Its over. it’s over…
After it was done we had some ice cream and I came back home.

Meeting Supraneeti has helped me realize a lot about myself and brought into view the many things I’ve got to change about myself. Firstly I should behave better with more politeness and ‘decorum and polish’.
Also I should become more self reliant and less dependant ton others for myself image. It’s like when people praise me I feel ever so good and when they don’t I feel ever so low. When they call me cute or laugh at me or admire something I say or do I couldn’t be happier. But otherwise I’m quite glum. But being happy with myself, being independent of others is FAR from my attitude. How can a person so dependent on attention ever be happy on her own? How can I ever be a recluse?

Saturday, June 19, 2010


July 2nd 2004

I actually passed the French exam with a “Bien” (good ). Should’ve heard Shanti-she was euphoric. So was I since it was most unexpected. The receptionist 9at alliance) has given me a new name “bien chick”. Darned funny .
Was thinking I must call Shanti and ask if she’d be free sometime today and go to meet her and return her books. Made her a card though I don’t think it’s nearly good enough.

July 3rd 2004
Filmy Chucker!

Shanti ma’am just called.. Guess what? I believe I topped in the ‘production ecrite’ (written test). Enrolling for the next level (300) on Monday!
(Continued the same day)
I have lots to say at eh end of the day. It was great meeting friends Seva, Meghna. Amina Mity. It was real fun. Meghna loved the card. Seva thinks I’m a great poet and she wants us to write a book together. ‘Troy’ was alright. It could have been better though. You don’t even know Odysseus name or that he’s the narrator. The best part was meeting all of them . I do value them immensely.

As soon as I came there’s this phone call asking me if I could go through a movie script and act in it. Gosh! Navika told this person about me.
This movie is anon-commercial romantic comedy with three characters –a husband , a wife and a 2nd woman. Navika’s the wife and I’m the 2nd woman. It’s going to be shot by a digital camera and shown to producers. It doesn’t require great acting expertise. Just to read out dialogues. If the producers approve they’ll get proper actors.

July 4th 2004
Peas and Carrots

Today was a day of dilemmas and indecision. A day in which I had to take a decision. I read the script for the movie I spoke of yesterday. It is called ‘Peas and Carrots’ though I didn’t mange to figure out why. As far as I know it has NOTHING to do with peas or carrots. It doesn’t have much of a story and is mostly in conversation form. The only reason it manages to carry itself is its minor twists . I suppose it could be better than Hyderabad Blues though. Must ask the guy why he’s called it ‘Peas and Carrots’.
I’m going to meet Shanti ma’am tomorrow and enrol for French level 300 if all goes well. Hope it does. “May the day break!”

Saturday, June 12, 2010

French classes and so on

May 27th 2004
French Connections
Guess what? So strange! Of the four trainees at the ad agency –N, S, K and me –all four of us have learnt French at the Alliance and flunked the N200S there! One girl did her 100 and 200 under Shanti but doesn’t like her though! I felt so bad when I realised that my favourite teacher could be disliked and spoken ill of! I kinda made it clear that I really adore her.

15th June 2004
A favourite Student
Gosh! I’m SO HAPPY. Just spoke to Shanti ma’am. I SO LOVE talking to her. She is so sweet and nice. She’s like the nicest teacher I have ever had and the only one who had a soft corner for me...and that too because of my looks. Funny! It’s real good to look like your teachers niece.
Bet u can’t believe it. I actually did some painting today. Not too bad.

26th June 2006
Exam Fever
Just saw part of the film “how to lose a guy in 10 days”. Boy! It was simply too funny.
Had my examen orale today. I did it much better that last time. I think I’ll pass. I was so relived that I have been wasting my time through out. Haven't studied for the written exam at all!
I wanted to call Shanti ma’am, but before I could she did! I don’t deserve all the love she gives me…she gave me some tips on how to study for the exam. She’s sympa, hyper sympa. Hopefully I’ll do well tomorrow. Rama Rama, Rama Rama!
(Rama Rama was a favourite phrase -usually to express mild shock- with the old lady who came home to cook for us. Suku would imitate her to perfection)

22nd June 2004
Gowri @ School!
Just came back from my old school…met everyone and repeated over and over again what I was doing ,what Akku was doing and what Amma was doing. Awful to repeat the same things. Cecily teacher and Anna teacher saved my day by cracking some joke about me and making me laugh. At least they remembered the funny side of me.

The memories came back and I remembered how I felt so alienated from this batch I was supposed to ‘belong’ to by the time I left school. I was nearly the only one who didn’t grow, who didn’t ‘mature’, who wasn’t interested in boys, who was still a child. Plus amma was the principal so nobody wanted to enlighten me since it might reach her ears. So that how I stayed. Well at least a few people apparently knew about my unique sense of humour. Some how on the one hand I’m glad I never grew up. I guess others were right...i was an ‘abnormal’ teenager ,a person who couldn’t accept change and growth , a person who was so na├»ve as to believe all the stuff that our old principal and teachers said about how ‘children must be children’ and about how grown ups were awful. Strange though it may seem even as a child I never wanted to be a ‘grown up’.
I dunno it was all sad until I sat on the swing. I went back to the time I was two and a half or three and I fell off from that swing and my nose bled. Strangely that made me considerably happier to remember that time of pristine purity-the pain of the bleeding nose now long forgotten. Then Amma was there-I must have been in nursery-and I liked her being there. And when my nose bled she took me to Dawson Sir I think in the old building and I think they gave me sugar.
(I remembered this when I read it – we had taken her and gone to watch a play by Sharanya’s class. I think she hadn’t joined school yet. Poor thing, she was hurt, but bounced back easily)

(This is a separate paragraph-no clue why it’s written)

I find it so difficult to do the right thing and even then, when somebody else doesn’t do the right thing according to me I get so pissed and quite often even go and lecture them!

Sunday, June 6, 2010


Sorry folks!
Was travelling thru places beyond the net!
hope to be regular now

27th April 2004
Right choice?
Seriously, I still don’t know what I am going to do in life and I’m worried as hell about it.
Shall I go on to study psychology? If so what in psychology? Abnormal, clinical, counselling, child, para, animal-WHAT? That’s not as much a problem as ‘shall’ go on to study psychology or sociology or shall I go into advertising or shall I do an MBA or shall I do law or shall I try and become a writer or shall I just laze around and depend on other human beings? With all probability at the rate I am going I might just choose the last option. I shouldn’t….
Linguistics and anthropology are other options. Now lets leave ‘what’ for some time and move to WHERE. I think I wan tot go abroad-to Europe or Canada. But why? Yes I too want to like real good quality education and status and stuff so I can have chances of a getting a better job and stuff. But if I wanted to do linguistics or culture studies or something like that CIEFL would be a good enough place. But I do want to get away and see places beyond India. Be Patient! Good night, I must sleep well coz I have to travel by bus tomorrow!

8th May 2004
Interning Blues!
In a way I’m glad that this agency is undoing what Nizam’s did to me. At the end of 1 year at Nizam’s despite my trying to prevent it I had a mammoth ego greater than the Himalayas. At this place, right from the start by behaving all timid, I’ve thinned down my ego and self respect like hell. Once again I’ve become a blind hanger-on, clinging on to the other girl there going wherever she goes and doing what ever she does and to top it all getting insulted by her.
I hate myself and I always seem to make these wrong choices and curse myself later. I should stat remembering my Nizam’s or Alliance self and get more confident in myself and follow my own path. I should stop lying –I’ve started that recently. I never used to lie before. I shouldn’t do this like I do –and that too for no reason. I am so sorry!

19th May 2004
Not the Right Choice
I really do love myself very much. I am perhaps the only person who does so. I also love Amma, Appa, Akku, Thatha, and Pati very much, but none of them as much as I love myself. I think I am special, different, unique, and extraordinary. But I am also dumb, not very talented, slow timid, meek and paranoid when I’m with people I don’t like under circumstances I don’t like.
It’s not like today was bad day or anything but I just don’t see what I’m achieving by going to this office. Today at the end, for no reason known to me I felt so bad that I went to the loo and cried. And its not one thing –it’s a whole combination. The compulsion to go to a place I don’t like and slave for people I don’t like despite my repulsion, nobody to understand me or show affection towards me (even Amma isn’t in town), the realisation that I’m not learning anything from the mechanical work I’m asked to do ,the realisation that today’s youth is as unlike me as white is from black, the realisation that I’m not eh brain-queen that Nizam’s made me believe I was, the realisation that advertising is not ‘it’.
It’s not the kind of job I’d want PLEASE. 9-9 mad rush unsatisfactory work-NOT FOR ME. I’d prefer an interesting part time job giving me enough leisure time to pursue other interests!