25th March 2006
There is this wee bit of jealousy I feel when I think of the others who are very close to my French teacher and her family. It’s quite strange and surely unnecessary!
I do not know why I am so jealous…jealous that my best friends have some other friends. At each step in my life I went through this. (She names many instances through childhood school and college). Even the relationship between Amma and Akku would make me jealous at times. It’s horrible!
Why am I so jealous? It makes me such an introvert and I distance myself from people. Even a word could make me jealous and make me think that I do not belong in a group. I am too ‘sane’ (though not intelligent) and too capable of jealousy to quickly develop fondness for people. I try to maintain a distance always because I am afraid of relationships…to find that my feelings are not reciprocated or to get jealous if I find that the other person likes someone else more than me.
Why do I suffer from this complex? I do have loving parents. I ALWAYS DID. Wonderfully sweet grand parents and amazing home environment, an extremely nice sister who has always loved me even if she tried to bully me/correct me/teach me…why do I fear being rejected by others.
True I’m not a beauty, but actually my fear of rejection is deeper than appearance. I do not strongly feel that I’m ugly, I just hate the way I look, the way I talk, the way I’m so clumsy and self conscious…I’ve always been as long as I can remember. People always used to say “relax, be free, and let your body go freer…” when I learnt dance and stuff.
I never could do the trust fall. Do I have basic anxiety? But why?
I remember nice loving caring parents always. Can it be because Amma was a working woman? I know I reject the idea...never consider it coz I don’t want Amma to feel bad about it. I know she hated the idea and would go on the defensive like I’m blaming her or something. The fact is I’m not blaming her. I understand completely. Duh! Who’d want to be housewife and she was working in a career she cared about.
She already had a daughter and she’d worked even though she did. So why should she give up her career for a second daughter? There is no need when you look at it practically. Heck! There’s food ,clothing a caretaker during the day and play school and she’d be back in the evening. So what’s all the fuss about? And this kid has a sis too… and a dad and a mami and she’d konjufy the kid in the morning and evening anyway. She was spending quite a bit of time with the kids anyway. She cared for them, struggled to put them in a school without competition, encouraged them to play, sing, draw, paint and have a good time. Gave them positive feedback, what didn’t she do?
And what didn’t Appa do? He took us on picnics was always nice to us bought stuff for us, cared for us. What didn’t they do? I don think they missed out or messed up in any way,
So where does this complex stem from?
Isn’t an individual a product of socialisation? Isn’t the family the primary socialisation? Hey! Let’s think of secondary socialisation…that wasn’t great to me was it…look at your school days Suku, not what I’d call fabulous. That’s probably it. I don’t like thinking about it or writing about it. I should deal with it and get out of it…its now 5 years since I left the place but the complex lives on. Get out of it ma Cherie, Suku kutty you can do it, Gowri, tu peux la faire!