Saturday, August 7, 2010

Mostly her self !

3rd October 2004
Boy! I’ve gotten myself into yet another hypocrisy in the name of friendship.
It’s always been so with this friend but I’ve never been able to mark it down to this. I’m the listener and she is the speaker and it’s my duty (self-imposed of course) to never speak my mind and tell her just what she wants to hear. Of course this is interspersed with small spurts of honesty and maybe even humour. But that’s beside the point I guess. I dunno. I dunno why I put myself into chains why I block myself, why?

4th October 2004
Appeal to a “co-libran”
Gandhiji , you were a great man .Maybe once ,before you became great you were ordinary-like me. May be you can understand me-all my confused emotions and thoughts and joys and sorrows. Maybe if at all that sun sign stuff is true you will understand me being Libran and all. I know you weren’t some agony aunt listening to peoples woes in life. I know you’d rather rest in peace and so I apologise dil aur jaan. Vande mataram!

5th October 2004
Self Improvement Plans
I guess these no harm in at least trying to change myself. It may not work, but who knows, it might just!
So how do I start? I’ll need a definite plan.
Being true to people is not easy especially when its been so long since I’ve been true to myself. In fact maybe I never have. I’ve always prided myself on being a ‘pure’ self uninfluenced by all social evils and which has been penetrated by none but myself- the ‘pure’ one –everyone else being awful and me ‘acting’ awful to get along with them. Is this really true? When put for the first time in such clear terms it makes even me know that it is in someway false. I dunno. I’d like to believe otherwise. Coming back to self imposed morality, why do I bind myself? Why am I so …tight? I dunno. All I know is I should try to be more human and should feel for people and stuff. But what I’ve noticed during my dance and trust fall attempt was that the harder I tried the less relaxed I was. That’s true. You can’t will yourself to relax. May be I CAN. Maybe that’s what makes physical and psychological things different. I don’t know….
No, I shouldn’t let myself escape without a proper plan. Maybe I should become the old me who was a listener. So my verbal contribution becomes minimum. Yes, respect everyone and greet everyone. Get rid of unnecessary prejudices, talk when you need to. Don’t think you know everything and should therefore go on talking. Give everyone a chance to talk and above all LISTEN. You never know where you will learn what. Change yourself before others force you to.

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