NIZAM FETE

I decided to shift to the 2004 diary because this still covers so much of her excitement in Nizam’s college. (The rest of the 2006 diary shifts to TISS.)
24th January 2004
Name For The Diary - Narnia !
You just can’t imagine how glad I am to finally have a diary to write into. I am going to call you Narnia because it says “Narne’ on you and I want you to make as much magic for me as C S Lewis did fro Narnia. I am so glad. Today I am going to give my driving test again and I hope I get through this time.

25th February 2004
X-pressions, Kya Scene Hai!
There’s been quite a bit of excitement in college the past two days because of our college fete X-pressions. I didn’t like it too much day before yesterday but yesterday was too good. Usual starting trouble I guess.
Day before, I was supposed to help in organising ‘Kya Scene Hai’ and with the debate also.
Some of the stuff was hilarious –especially the one where the villain runs off with the hero’s chaddis.
Sat with a friend-he was talking of his life in HPS, at home, in Nizam’s etc. and about how they ragged others. Just then another boy appeared with booze in a Sprite bottle. Other girls and a few more came along too and joined us. All of us were squeezed on to the wall and the boys were secretly swigging off the Sprite bottle. So secretly that even the wiser girls didn’t know! Maybe I wouldn’t have guessed either if this boy hadn’t told me. We then saw one of the group dances and left.
Yesterday morning there was extempore.
Navika got the topic of obesity and she went on about how in poor countries rich people are fat and in rich countries poor people are fat because they can’t afford the gym. Too good it was. I got ‘Sonia and Vajpayee’. I just blabbered some utter nonsense-actually utter sense- obvious things about how they were both great and wanted to be prime minister.
Navika got the first prize and there was tie between Jagdish and me for the second place.
So we had to give speeches again. He got the topic ‘beard’ and managed to impress the jury. I got the topic “Only lunatics love”. I agreed with this and started talking about how everybody was a lunatic because everybody was affected by the moon and started talking about the importance of the moon-how it brings light to the night. To my greatest surprise they gave me the second prize though I deviated so much.

Our team (Jagdih and I) also made it to the final round in the Ad-con. The topic we got in the lucky pick was to make an ad to convince Kantaben (in Kal Ho Na Ho) that homosexuality wasn’t a sin.
Anyway, it all started with me as Kantaben teasing Jagdish about how he comes home each day with a different guy and all. Then he admitted that he was a man’s man. Kantaben gets all angry and asks him to get out of her sight.
In the next scene J acts as if he is getting all beaten up. I come as a journalist (duppatta now worn usual style and not covering my head) and talk about how homosexuality is a natural phenomenon and we do not have the right to punish others just because they are different from us and of a few ancient prejudices. Then J asked (covering his mouth ) “What about our fathers and brothers” and I said gay guys wouldn’t rape them and all. Then the scene changes and I come back again as Kantaben. J asks why I’m happy. I say very shyly that I am a woman’s woman. C’est tout-that’s all!
Other teams did well too… So J and I got the first prize.

Just Another French Class

8th April 2006
Had a loooo…ng French class this morning. Shanti’s not in town …so it seemed even longer I guess. It was fun...in the pause we talked to Amelie about India places and food etc. but sheesh, my French ahs become really pathetic…I just dunno where the aigu is and where the grave is. The other day I couldn’t spell très. Its pathetic.
Anyways after class Anita Sushant and I chatted for a long time. After that I went to the library and borrowed a movie. The librarian was there and I chatted with her for a while. Amelie was writing an English email. She asked me how to spell biriyani. I didn’t know if she wanted it in French or English and I came up with some weirdo mixture. Strangely she spelt it right.
Then I left. On my6 way to the main road, I saw Anoopa (a senior in Nizams). I was real surprised and stopped to say hi. Was real glad to see her. She said she lived real close and asked me to come home. So we went.
It’s really beautiful. One of those old Marredpally houses with a garden and all. As she opened the gate three dogs came barking welcome. I was so glad to see the dogs it was quite obvious on my face. So she said I could stay and help her bathe them. I wish I had. I did totally intend to. Anyway we went in sat down chatted for some time. She gave me some of that Goan sweet that Amma had once bought and we chatted off happily sitting on wooden stools in front of the table in a large spacious kitchen which had windows opening on to the garden. After a while the dogs started barking. Someone had come to take their fridge which had stopped working. So she emptied it and I kina helped her. Then her mom came and they took the fridge away.
Her mom seemed very nice as well. We chatted off normally like Amma and me or something. All the interiors were somehow very Goan. So Anoopa’s been doing this and that ..some research, part time jobs, some courses, I dunno what all.
So she has got admission plus scholarship in the university of Nottingham. That’s real cool. She’s (from) all over the place I believe-Kerala, Tamilnadu, Goa, Karnataka ..everywhere.
Anyway once the fridge went mother and daughter thought about how they should rearrange the kitchen. Anoopa said later, probably because I was there. So I kinda thought I shouldn’t disturb too much and said I should make a move.
I could’ve asked if she was planning to bathe the dogs. I’d have loved to help. Its okay… though she said we should visit again and I said I would, will I? I dunno. I don’t think so. I didn’t feel awkward today but I hate to impose myself on others. I generally don’t like taking the initiative to visit people’s homes.

(I went with her once again…as she kind of drooled over the dogs once again. I think one of the dogs had littered and the puppies were cute)

Impressions of TISS

Sept 2006
This is the first published poem of hers that I saw- though she preferred it to be anonymous most people knew who wrote it…because of one famous occasion where she actually jumped out of a window!

Impressions of TISS

The tall green trees
The rainy days
Clothes which won’t dry
Umbrellas unfound
Blessings from heaven
Plonk! On your head!

People everywhere
Oh so many everywhere!
The tiring ‘Hi’s
The painful smiles
So much ‘nice’ness
Somewhat fake

Classes overcrowded
With windows like doors
The urge to jump out
Amidst the tall trees
The thought of attendance
That makes one sit back

Purring powerful cats
Who fight the helpless dog
A family of monkeys,
That jumps from tree to tree
Infinite birds
Infinite shit and pee

Oh what talk!
Big words, Big thoughts
Marginalisation
Human rights
& what else can it be
But HE-GE-MO-NY?

(UNMAAD, The TISS Annual College Magazine of 2006-07,p46)

Joint Study Efforts!

This is a fair description,typical of the many occassions she resolved she would study! And she would then work herself up into a tizzy the day before an exam.
3rd April 2006

Studying Hard(ly)

Yesterday I went to Tej’s house early in the morning planning to stay overnight and study sociology all day long. While waiting for lunch we called Navika and she said Sukoon their college fest was going on. She wanted us to come and said we could even stay overnight.
We then convinced Vennella also to come over. N said she wasn’t sure if there would be space and then sms’d back asking all of us to come. So we went but didn’t take toothbrush etc. We reached in time for an Antakshari competition that was pretty boring. We thought we’d get back to Tej’s place for the night.
Then Amrita came over and N and A convinced us to stay though there wasn’t enough place to stay saying we wouldn’t sleep through the night. I thought that was sorta crazy at first and wanted to go back since I don’t enjoy dancing or music. But Tej said we’d stay and A said this is the last time we could do something like this together.
Navika did the compereing for the official function. So we stayed for that. There were lots of paintings in that hall and Amrita and I did art analysis. It was fun and Jagdeesh then came along and added his bit of analysis. We saw Rahul acting very busy, organising stuff and all.
After the function was over we went back to the hostel, ate and went for a walk. Navika showed us her old house where my school teacher lives, where another school friend Amina used to live etc. n and T went on a giant wheel and A,V and I did some shooting. And throwing rings. I shot a balloon and A won 2 soaps in the ring throw. We did some more time pass and then we went to the DJ nite.
It was on an open ground …really dark with really bright multicoloured changing lights at one part where the stage and crowd was. They had great lighting effects loud music and IMMENSE crowd. The cool night breeze and the large open space were really good and it saved the place from being like that disco in Mumbai. I guess it was the space and the breeze that actually made me stay and then dance (though I was stiff).
I found it (and still do) crazy that so many people congregate and dance to such loud music and put up with the light and the heat and the noise and seem to actually enjoy it. I wondered if people really do.

Jealousies

25th March 2006
Jealousies
There is this wee bit of jealousy I feel when I think of the others who are very close to my French teacher and her family. It’s quite strange and surely unnecessary!
I do not know why I am so jealous…jealous that my best friends have some other friends. At each step in my life I went through this. (She names many instances through childhood school and college). Even the relationship between Amma and Akku would make me jealous at times. It’s horrible!
Why am I so jealous? It makes me such an introvert and I distance myself from people. Even a word could make me jealous and make me think that I do not belong in a group. I am too ‘sane’ (though not intelligent) and too capable of jealousy to quickly develop fondness for people. I try to maintain a distance always because I am afraid of relationships…to find that my feelings are not reciprocated or to get jealous if I find that the other person likes someone else more than me.
Why do I suffer from this complex? I do have loving parents. I ALWAYS DID. Wonderfully sweet grand parents and amazing home environment, an extremely nice sister who has always loved me even if she tried to bully me/correct me/teach me…why do I fear being rejected by others.
True I’m not a beauty, but actually my fear of rejection is deeper than appearance. I do not strongly feel that I’m ugly, I just hate the way I look, the way I talk, the way I’m so clumsy and self conscious…I’ve always been as long as I can remember. People always used to say “relax, be free, and let your body go freer…” when I learnt dance and stuff.
I never could do the trust fall. Do I have basic anxiety? But why?
I remember nice loving caring parents always. Can it be because Amma was a working woman? I know I reject the idea...never consider it coz I don’t want Amma to feel bad about it. I know she hated the idea and would go on the defensive like I’m blaming her or something. The fact is I’m not blaming her. I understand completely. Duh! Who’d want to be housewife and she was working in a career she cared about.
She already had a daughter and she’d worked even though she did. So why should she give up her career for a second daughter? There is no need when you look at it practically. Heck! There’s food ,clothing a caretaker during the day and play school and she’d be back in the evening. So what’s all the fuss about? And this kid has a sis too… and a dad and a mami and she’d konjufy the kid in the morning and evening anyway. She was spending quite a bit of time with the kids anyway. She cared for them, struggled to put them in a school without competition, encouraged them to play, sing, draw, paint and have a good time. Gave them positive feedback, what didn’t she do?
And what didn’t Appa do? He took us on picnics was always nice to us bought stuff for us, cared for us. What didn’t they do? I don think they missed out or messed up in any way,
So where does this complex stem from?
Isn’t an individual a product of socialisation? Isn’t the family the primary socialisation? Hey! Let’s think of secondary socialisation…that wasn’t great to me was it…look at your school days Suku, not what I’d call fabulous. That’s probably it. I don’t like thinking about it or writing about it. I should deal with it and get out of it…its now 5 years since I left the place but the complex lives on. Get out of it ma Cherie, Suku kutty you can do it, Gowri, tu peux la faire!

Decision-making

13th March 2006
Decision
Are my confusions getting clearer or am I getting more confused? Dunno.
Kinda came to a decision today. Decided I wouldn’t try for masscom. as of now coz I’d first like to study Sociology or maybe Anthropology. So I’m writing just 5 entrances. JNU Soico, HCU Socio, HCU Anthro, CIEFL Culture Studies, TISS Social Work. Let’s see what I get into. Even if I get into none, it’s not the end of my world. OK, that’s the order of priority as well. Must try whole heartedly with full effort for all five and then see.
Another dilemma--to join Business French or not? Shanti’s gonna take a Business French course this Saturday. Morning classes …end in June. So the logic? Good to have another certificate. It would keep me active and hardworking to go to early morning classes. But the problem is time. Maybe Alliance will bring back some time management skills. Maybe I need more challenges. If I can’t manage I can just quit I guess. May be I should go for it considering Shanti’s taking it.
Thank god, found my scooter key today. I was so totally HAPPY- ECSTATIC to tell the truth. It was great. Amma, R and I went on a shopping spree.

27th March 2006
Indecision
Early this morning, it struck me that if I had ANY guts I’d try and apply to an ad agency and try to work properly this time. In the creative department, I’d try my hand at copywriting. .. I truly would. It would make a lot of sense in this Golden era of advertising. Maybe I should try. I might actually have fun. I might actually even become rich or famous. I might actually become a writer. I don’t think I’ll need to waste time trying to follow academic pursuits. My mind isn’t really academic and I don’t actually derive that much interest from theories and hypotheses except when they agree with my own. I am far too self -centred to care about the working of society and to understand it properly. I am far too self centred for social service. I really think I should try my hand at advertising. I guess I do have the creativity when it comes to that. Maybe I should try that out.

I cant tell amma this now. She’ll be furious. I’ll have to make my resume, get second opinion from Amma and Akku and maybe Seva and then send it somewhere. Maybe monster .com or naukri.com? Or maybe I should check out the O&M website.
I can just hear amma tell someone “Suku is fine. She’s entirely concentrating on Sociology. How do I tell her? She was so relieved .I was so relieved. I thought I was decided …fixed. … point finale. But no! My mind has to waver more. I won’t tell her or anybody else now. I’ll think about it for a while longer. I will study socio and anthro and do my best in all the exams. We will see…

CONTINUATIONS

9th March 2006
A Close Call!
Thank God! I believe that this guy (unnamed) never liked me. He always liked another friend of mine. Thank goodness…I escaped imminent embarrassment expecting /believing that he liked me and feeling yuck because of that. Thank Goodness! I escaped.
But it is weird when I think what vanity I must’ve had to assume that he liked me. How did I assume that? I never thought I was that kind of person. How idiotic I am. Anyways, he proposed to this friend and she didn’t mind too much. So that’s ok.

More on Social Strata
Had a long conversation with another friend today. She came up with amore plausible theory about why stratification based on money existed in our school. It is the uniform. Perhaps my theory doesn’t apply in this case but it’s a pretty neat conceptual formulation… though it’s real simplistic and Pareto would have considered it non logico experimental and therefore unscientific.
It’s real cool because human social interactions go on cyclically to satisfy human social needs. Since we are all so similar we have different criteria fro differentiation. We get caught up in these differences that we have a great need to belong. So we from groups with commonalities that in turn differ from other groups within these groups differences and perhaps stratification or group formation again emerges and so on…

11th March 2006
Prof Shanta Sinha’s talk
It was a very interesting day yesterday. At college, I attended a3D max class and then a seminar by Prof Shanta Sinha on child labour. What she said was really touching…she also introduced some ideas which were absolutely new for me. I have never been so inspired by a lecture.
For example she said that child labour is not always because of poverty. On the contrary it is often caused by the argument of poverty. She made us understand that there are several examples of how the very poor children are sent to school when compared to the slightly better off. She also said that children often feel hurt in school. Not just by angry words or violence, but the simple absence of teachers in classes.
She also said that if one wished to boycott products involving child labour, one cannot eat anything or construct anything with a brick in India, because child labour exists everywhere.

Me Meera again
I lost my scooter key – came home by auto.
My friends stayed over because Appa and Amma were out of town. We went to the alliance and saw “Me Meera”. The voice just didn’t go with ‘Meera’ and was too wannabe as Navika put it. I had immense pleasure in telling the director that the voice sucked big time. He said “I know, it’s too local.”
I was like “No it’s not Hyderabad, its Tamilian. And he was like “It’s so tough to find the right voice.” I was outright nasty, not at all sympathetic. It was fun…