20th November 2005
On Becoming Feminine
That HORRID worry, that awful realisation, that I am so much like those petite, feminine, motherly, obsessed women…that part of femaleness that I so detest-that cranky fussy obsession that “I am such a good homemaker”
The obsession with people around, that frustration of not having actualised one’s potential, the uncertainty, and therefore the outward “I know everything-what’s right for everyone” attitude. JEEZ, I possess all these traits that I’ve detested in the “pushy mothers”.
God I’m scared I might just be that. …I must prevent such a CALAMITY from EVER striking me. Please make me a sensible, balanced, THICK-SKINNED practical, intelligent, sociable interested and interesting person. PLEASE GIVE ME THE SENSE NOT TO UNNECESSARILY SACRIFICE ANYTHING FOR OTHERS AND BELIEVE MYSELF TO BE HOLIER THAN THOU. I see the roots of those traits in me, Heck! I shall uproot them now itself- verroodu azhtthiduven! (written in Tamizh)☺
Caring about others, feeling for others –showing genuine concern and empathy-it is not an easy thing. For being warm AND helpful a comfort one needs within oneself –that self assurance that sense of worth within one’s self which enables one to see things external-things including people- as worthwhile. Caring for one’s self enough so as to be able to care for others. Trusting one’s self enough to trust others. That is important. Can one impose trust? I guess it has to come from within you. Was that what Vanita teacher (in school) was speaking about all those years ago when I switched off my attention? Peutetre (perhaps). That self assurance that confidence coming out of trust –a true confidence ,not something put on-is what makes some people so magnetic-like Navika, Pratima, Anupa,Amma-they have that in them that basic security, its really cool!
8th December 2005
A Balanced Responsible Adult
Who would want to be a balanced responsible adult…it almost seems like a bad word to me. It seems great to be angry, sad, a depressed teenager, a traumatised child, a free child, a rebellious adolescent…anything but a balanced responsible adult. But I dunno, maybe even if it is boring I should try it out.
How boring! And it is not JUST boring…to be responsible is a bloody nuisance. Why should one be responsible? Why should one care? Why should one take the blame? Its crazy. Actually its anything but crazy...it’s crazy only because it is so sane. But when I or anybody else (especially the later) tells me I ‘must’ do something I just WONT. Though I know I must be a responsible and balanced adult I probably wont. But that also means I probably will!