I enjoyed these bits and hope you do too!
Tuesday 10th January 2006
I’ve just been reading about Daphne du Maurier and her identity crisis, her desire to be male, her dissatisfaction with her mom and grand-mom whom she calls ‘basic type’ and it strikes me that every artist or writer who’s really shone - out-shone all others - everybody who has made it to ‘immortality’ – to that ‘greatness’ for which I once longed…actually continue to long for in a more subconscious way …comes with suffering difficulty trauma madness …and you know what ? I don’t have that dose of insanity which could lead to ‘immortality’.
Though I am glad of it and I do hope with all my heart that I never have to be subject to such traumas… I don’t think I could survive them, really…there is a part of me that mourns for the fact that I know that most probably I might never attain that ‘immortality’, that ‘greatness’.
Obviously , to get something, one has to give something and only when one has given a lot … when one has suffered a lot and overcome the suffering … can one even aspire for ‘immortality’.
But I still want to write though my logical mind blocks out the imagination that comes so easily to schizophrenics and the other mentally unstable people. I dunno. I’ve always had a fascination for insanity, for madness. I’ve always had a bizarre craving to be ‘different’ and since insane people are different, to be ‘insane’ and therefore special, unique. But I’ve always been normal –boringly so-like ‘thayir saadham’ – curd rice-that’s how I’ve been…mediocre in every sense.
In colour, in height, intelligence, ability...everything except self confidence and self image, both of which are extraordinarily low. Since that I know I try to boost it, so that even that becomes moderate –normal. And the MOST normal thing I have is the desire to be ‘abnormal’ or ‘super normal’ and my belief in my own ‘special’ nature.
Thursday 12th January 2006
On future plans
How can I be such a scatterbrained gitlering (?) idiot! I stun myself.
Now Appa is convinced is so supportive. He tells me to focus on Anthropology MA. He is convinced and so is Amma,that it is my interest. Is it? I wonder…
Wednesday 8th February 2006
On great marks
By the way, I got my marks today. 80% overall. Highest was 45/50 in social psychology. It shocks me to know that I really got more marks in the paper I wrote maximum in!
You know, I always told everyone that it was like that in Nizam’s. But I never believed that it was like that for me…coz I never really wrote very lengthy papers but always managed pretty decent marks. So I thought I was above that rule… that they saw a certain quality in writing. I was naïve I guess. Or I remain a poor judge of myself and my performance…and I don’t quite know which is worse!