Was travelling thru places beyond the net!
hope to be regular now
27th April 2004
Seriously, I still don’t know what I am going to do in life and I’m worried as hell about it.
Shall I go on to study psychology? If so what in psychology? Abnormal, clinical, counselling, child, para, animal-WHAT? That’s not as much a problem as ‘shall’ go on to study psychology or sociology or shall I go into advertising or shall I do an MBA or shall I do law or shall I try and become a writer or shall I just laze around and depend on other human beings? With all probability at the rate I am going I might just choose the last option. I shouldn’t….
Linguistics and anthropology are other options. Now lets leave ‘what’ for some time and move to WHERE. I think I wan tot go abroad-to Europe or Canada. But why? Yes I too want to like real good quality education and status and stuff so I can have chances of a getting a better job and stuff. But if I wanted to do linguistics or culture studies or something like that CIEFL would be a good enough place. But I do want to get away and see places beyond India. Be Patient! Good night, I must sleep well coz I have to travel by bus tomorrow!
8th May 2004
In a way I’m glad that this agency is undoing what Nizam’s did to me. At the end of 1 year at Nizam’s despite my trying to prevent it I had a mammoth ego greater than the Himalayas. At this place, right from the start by behaving all timid, I’ve thinned down my ego and self respect like hell. Once again I’ve become a blind hanger-on, clinging on to the other girl there going wherever she goes and doing what ever she does and to top it all getting insulted by her.
I hate myself and I always seem to make these wrong choices and curse myself later. I should stat remembering my Nizam’s or Alliance self and get more confident in myself and follow my own path. I should stop lying –I’ve started that recently. I never used to lie before. I shouldn’t do this like I do –and that too for no reason. I am so sorry!
19th May 2004
Not the Right Choice
I really do love myself very much. I am perhaps the only person who does so. I also love Amma, Appa, Akku, Thatha, and Pati very much, but none of them as much as I love myself. I think I am special, different, unique, and extraordinary. But I am also dumb, not very talented, slow timid, meek and paranoid when I’m with people I don’t like under circumstances I don’t like.
It’s not like today was bad day or anything but I just don’t see what I’m achieving by going to this office. Today at the end, for no reason known to me I felt so bad that I went to the loo and cried. And its not one thing –it’s a whole combination. The compulsion to go to a place I don’t like and slave for people I don’t like despite my repulsion, nobody to understand me or show affection towards me (even Amma isn’t in town), the realisation that I’m not learning anything from the mechanical work I’m asked to do ,the realisation that today’s youth is as unlike me as white is from black, the realisation that I’m not eh brain-queen that Nizam’s made me believe I was, the realisation that advertising is not ‘it’.
It’s not the kind of job I’d want PLEASE. 9-9 mad rush unsatisfactory work-NOT FOR ME. I’d prefer an interesting part time job giving me enough leisure time to pursue other interests!