TRUTH, KINDNESS

12th March 2004
Can’t guess the context in which this was written!
Truth – Yours Mine and Ours! Some things which are obvious to one person which seem real –like the objective truth and hence not expressed may just get lost in time until someone expresses it or formulates a theory on it. Therefore there is no objective truth. When many subjective truths intersect the area of intersection is the objective truth. However there might be many other subjective truths which come nowhere near it and many other such intersections which are again different objective truths.

4th April 2004
She was keen to experience working in an ad agency and yet hated missing out on her vacation. And she did feel she was doing them a favour!
Job Search
Have so much to study and I just don’t feel like it. The lady from the ad agency was so goddam mean and nasty. I’m not inferior to her in any way. I hate to have to beg for a silly summer job. All those seniors who didn’t do anything-I guess they had some kind of sense.
Feel like I’ve bloody wasted my life. I must study so much and she has ruined my mood. I’m feeling so sad though this is so trivial.
I’m too sensitive. What am I going to do in life? How will I ever do anything great if all I want to do is to shrink back into a lonely childhood? Am I really getting educated enough? Will I have the guts to go into a forest retreat? When? How am I going to learn and earn up to then? How am I going to pass tomorrow’s exam?
I can’t draw, I can’t sing, I can’t do anything creative. I don’t even know if I can do cartooning because I never practice regularly. I have stopped looking at the funny side of things. I’m just clumsy, dumb and stupid. But I love myself, I do!

6th April 2004
Teaching Kindness
Gosh! Vinita ma’am is so sweet and nice. I really adore her. She doesn’t do anything wrong but doesn’t mind others if they do wrong. And she sure as hell does more than her duty. Just called her because I had a doubt and she’s like you can call me even at 12 if you have a doubt. Why is she so kind to those who don’t deserve such kindness? Guess there’s nothing like deserving kindness. I guess all people do deserve it. Maybe I should start and try being unconditionally kind to people like she is. I’ll try. Must call her tomorrow after the exam and tell her how everybody did. She asked me to. Hope she’s around next year.

29TH FEBRUARY 2004
French Exams
Today was really a once in leap year kind of day!
Had my French Class exams for N 200. I messed up both the written and the orals more than somewhat. Even got two or three giggling fits in the orals. Got pissed off and came home in a hurry. Didn’t even say a proper bye to my friends and maybe I’m seeing them for the last time. I’m sure will miss them
Anyways came home and had along phone conversation with Seva without getting yelled at by Appa or Amma though they were both home. Luckily they were both asleep.

Then read “The Crystal Cave” for a long time. I adore Mary Stewart for recreating the life of Merlin as a person rather than a legend. How I love her book. More than just a story it is a spiritual eye-opener. It makes me think of myself-my childhood –so ordinary it seems. Too goddam hot –I need a shower.

Then went to the Spykar store where I got a top for the coupon and Amma bought me a pair of jeans. Then to Cauvery Aunties’ place and then to Sumi’s place. Sumi and I played battleship. Met her grandmother after ages. Cauvery auntie gave me atop too. Had dinner out including khubani-ka-meeta.

2nd March 2004
And Disastrous Results!
Damn, Shanti ma’am called me sometime back. Believe I failed in the oral. OFCOURSE I knew I would fail as soon as I had given it. But I didn’t realise it till now that I was not only letting myself down but also letting shanty down. Such a sweet person and she was so sure at I was certain to pass. Boy, am I moody! Just because it was hot afternoon! I believe I can go for a week class before the next N200 exam and then give it again. Shanty doesn’t want me to give up. She wants me to keep in touch and be substitute niece and I’d love to, too.
Its ok life’s tough!

3rd March 2004
And Reactions!
I must remember that the ‘Goa Beach’ t-shirt is most unlucky. I wore it for all the afternoon exams thinking git will be comfy. NALSAR, driving test, and N200. Even before that I’d worn it for a physics test which I really messed up. I MUST NEVER WEAR MY GOA BEACH T-SHIRT FOR AN EXAM.

7th March
(S)mothering!
I dunno where to start. I feel miserable. I’ve just realised that no matter what I do Amma’s gonna be there and try to help me out and be good to me and all. Though she is full of good intentions I want to get away somewhere far where she can’t control me-not control me exactly- even HELP me.
I want to find whatever on my own and I don’t want me to do what they want me to and I don’t want to rebel either. I want to go somewhere far away where nobody can reach me…can trouble me. I’ve always wanted to… after 6 months of ignoring it, it has come back with a bang. I dunno...this strong belief that I’ll lead blocked boring life dictated by her goodwill, I’ll never do anything outstanding, and I’ll never find a crush let alone a true love. I’ll never find magic I’ll never find anything interesting, I’ll fail in everything I do.. This is really eating me.

SELF IMAGE

SORRY FOLKS! COULDNT DO TEH POST ON SATURDAY!
27th February 2004
Self Images!
All these days when I’ve been busy trying to act out this whole farce of being a ‘bubbly’ extrovert. I’ve failed to notice others –observe them, study them. In this huge attempt to seek maximum attention I’ve lost out on knowing others. Yes I can say I am considerably happier caring only for myself and trying to know only myself and putting on a façade by which I want everyone else to know me.
Well of late all the teachers have been asking about the class’s perception of a person -yesterday Shanti and Swati. Today, Ratna. Weird. Well different people viewed me differently and I was asked about my perspectives of others too. I didn’t have one on most people, except the ones who were slightly boisterous or extroverted. Ratna ma’am thinks I’m ‘bubbly’ and she said it like she really believed in it, too. She said that when she heard laughter in the Psychology Department she knew that I was there and that though I laughed and I was bubbly and all I knew when to work. Of course I really like this impression and am proud of being a good enough “actrice” to have created it. But it came as a shock that it could be considered outgoing.
I mean –Duh where is Gowri? It was similar to the time when Akku told me I was creative and therefore wanted me to do architecture and what amma told me about Akku telling her about how I had made a sensible decision to do B A and all. Also about Tej considering my handwriting to be one of the best she’s ever seen in her life when all my life I’ve heard people literally worshipping Akku's handwriting and either telling me how normal or how bad my handwriting was.
ALL THE TIME. There was the time long ago-I think when we were going to Singapore …no Sikkim for a holiday and we were sitting in an airport. Akku and I were writing to Thatha Pati and I was writing in my very best handwriting. Of course I was a young child then and even my best was nothing to beat Akku’s worst. She is 5 years older. Of course she has a beautiful handwriting, with a lovely slant. Mine was never too even and never had much of a slant. There was this man who must’ve been in his mid fifties and his wife (who I think was a foreigner). I don’t remember too much except that this man had a snuff box and kept smelling stuff. He saw Akku’s handwriting and said it was so great. Though I didn’t realise it straight away that seems to have increased my already existing inferiority complex.

It’s maybe just about a year since I have been able to get rid of this inferiority complex. All my life I have lived under the shadow of my brilliant sister. Though my family did try its best o prevent the formation of such a complex –by treating us as equals –in fact by putting Akku down sometimes to make me feel okay, never telling me that I am stupider than her or less pretty or less hardworking or less intelligent. But stupid and insensitive as I was I couldn’t help noting these facts and develop such a complex. It took me nearly 16 years to realise that in spite of being less intelligent and creative than her I had some amount of intelligence and creativity, some amount of prettiness; I liked my eyes for example- soon I got glasses.
I liked my hair for example –soon I stated balding in the front. I guess my sense of humour helped me a lot. Well I guess I accept myself today as a unique individual who needn’t compete with Akku. This is how Appa and Amma have always treated me and Akku too. She has treated me with considerable amount of kindness and been very nice to me many a time.

I owe a lot to Nizam’s for having helped me to get back confidence in myself and my love for myself in spite of not hating others. In both my schools I started loving myself because I hated others.

FUN and PHILOSOPHY

25th February 2004 continued
More on Xpressions
I had thought id stop on that note but going by the responses I’m adding the rest of the story. I’m sure some of you would remember the jokes and the events or chaos over the prizes….

We joked around some more and each one had to go away for something or other. I took a friend to Pick and Move (restaurant) and it was 5 pm when I realised about the slow biking race. Masood was there and he was livid. I apologised as hell and went. He came second last in his race. I couldn’t drive without putting my leg down so I lost pretty soon. Anyway he left after some time.
We were hanging around in the basket ball court when someone called us to help in packing the prizes. I even got to choose what I wanted. Meanwhile I was able to get thru to Appa. Told him I’d be late and all. The fashion parade was to start at 7 p.m. The prize distribution started only at 8.30. There was tremendous confusion. Jagdish called me to help others give out the prizes. Navika was announcing. I fell off the stage once by mistake when I was giving the chief guest the prize. Anyways we took back the prizes and things.
Just saw the solos in the fashion show. Had to go off with Navika to search for Jagdish, who had the prizes, because there was this boy from another college who really wanted it. Anyway Shaista, who had the prizes and refused to give it. I don’t yet have my prizes. Hopefully I’ll get them tomorrow. Came home around 10, ate and slept.
(And there is the word ‘Appa’ written and then scratched out. I’m sure her father must have lectured her a bit on the lateness of the return. :))

23/24th /25th February 2004?
Living in the Moment
(This entry is so profound I can’t believe it was written out just like that! Yet it is smack in the middle of her other entries on 25th about Xpressions and the handwriting is clear, steady and more careful than the reporting on the college fest...)
Every moment in one’s life is a moment by itself. A condition totally new-unprecedented and irrepeatable. While we may try to relive many a moment, we can only achieve similarity and not sameness. There are certain ‘big’ moments –say exams as ‘events’ or certain pieces of work-which may involve months of planning anticipation and anxiety. But eh ultimate ‘big’ moment –one’s actions at that moment happen (italics hers) then-maybe due to the anticipation planning and anxiety, maybe despite it.Whatever the reason the thing happens at the instant (italics hers).
Then there are those things one thinks of after it is complete. They may be memories- pleasant, unpleasant. We may be proud of some moments and ashamed of them. But whatever time we spend in thinking about it is futile because I suppose what is done is done.
However, at the same time, each action leads to consequences. What we do at one moment may change people’s lives for centuries to come or just your life as long as you live. But whatever it is every action matters. However once you’ve messed up an action there’s is no point losing your mind over it. It’s best to make the best of ones resources. I guess I’ve realised that what all those people said when they said “Don’t think of the past and future. Just think of the present” -they were right. That way if you are totally into each moment of your life and try your best at each instant you won’t have to worry or grumble or anything. If you do something don’t think about it too much. Later you’ll try to judge it and see if its constitutionally right or wrong and stat regretting it –maybe because everything has both right and wrong. I hope and I pray that I have the strength to put these penses (French=thoughts) into practice.

NIZAM FETE

I decided to shift to the 2004 diary because this still covers so much of her excitement in Nizam’s college. (The rest of the 2006 diary shifts to TISS.)
24th January 2004
Name For The Diary - Narnia !
You just can’t imagine how glad I am to finally have a diary to write into. I am going to call you Narnia because it says “Narne’ on you and I want you to make as much magic for me as C S Lewis did fro Narnia. I am so glad. Today I am going to give my driving test again and I hope I get through this time.

25th February 2004
X-pressions, Kya Scene Hai!
There’s been quite a bit of excitement in college the past two days because of our college fete X-pressions. I didn’t like it too much day before yesterday but yesterday was too good. Usual starting trouble I guess.
Day before, I was supposed to help in organising ‘Kya Scene Hai’ and with the debate also.
Some of the stuff was hilarious –especially the one where the villain runs off with the hero’s chaddis.
Sat with a friend-he was talking of his life in HPS, at home, in Nizam’s etc. and about how they ragged others. Just then another boy appeared with booze in a Sprite bottle. Other girls and a few more came along too and joined us. All of us were squeezed on to the wall and the boys were secretly swigging off the Sprite bottle. So secretly that even the wiser girls didn’t know! Maybe I wouldn’t have guessed either if this boy hadn’t told me. We then saw one of the group dances and left.
Yesterday morning there was extempore.
Navika got the topic of obesity and she went on about how in poor countries rich people are fat and in rich countries poor people are fat because they can’t afford the gym. Too good it was. I got ‘Sonia and Vajpayee’. I just blabbered some utter nonsense-actually utter sense- obvious things about how they were both great and wanted to be prime minister.
Navika got the first prize and there was tie between Jagdish and me for the second place.
So we had to give speeches again. He got the topic ‘beard’ and managed to impress the jury. I got the topic “Only lunatics love”. I agreed with this and started talking about how everybody was a lunatic because everybody was affected by the moon and started talking about the importance of the moon-how it brings light to the night. To my greatest surprise they gave me the second prize though I deviated so much.

Our team (Jagdih and I) also made it to the final round in the Ad-con. The topic we got in the lucky pick was to make an ad to convince Kantaben (in Kal Ho Na Ho) that homosexuality wasn’t a sin.
Anyway, it all started with me as Kantaben teasing Jagdish about how he comes home each day with a different guy and all. Then he admitted that he was a man’s man. Kantaben gets all angry and asks him to get out of her sight.
In the next scene J acts as if he is getting all beaten up. I come as a journalist (duppatta now worn usual style and not covering my head) and talk about how homosexuality is a natural phenomenon and we do not have the right to punish others just because they are different from us and of a few ancient prejudices. Then J asked (covering his mouth ) “What about our fathers and brothers” and I said gay guys wouldn’t rape them and all. Then the scene changes and I come back again as Kantaben. J asks why I’m happy. I say very shyly that I am a woman’s woman. C’est tout-that’s all!
Other teams did well too… So J and I got the first prize.

Just Another French Class

8th April 2006
Had a loooo…ng French class this morning. Shanti’s not in town …so it seemed even longer I guess. It was fun...in the pause we talked to Amelie about India places and food etc. but sheesh, my French ahs become really pathetic…I just dunno where the aigu is and where the grave is. The other day I couldn’t spell très. Its pathetic.
Anyways after class Anita Sushant and I chatted for a long time. After that I went to the library and borrowed a movie. The librarian was there and I chatted with her for a while. Amelie was writing an English email. She asked me how to spell biriyani. I didn’t know if she wanted it in French or English and I came up with some weirdo mixture. Strangely she spelt it right.
Then I left. On my6 way to the main road, I saw Anoopa (a senior in Nizams). I was real surprised and stopped to say hi. Was real glad to see her. She said she lived real close and asked me to come home. So we went.
It’s really beautiful. One of those old Marredpally houses with a garden and all. As she opened the gate three dogs came barking welcome. I was so glad to see the dogs it was quite obvious on my face. So she said I could stay and help her bathe them. I wish I had. I did totally intend to. Anyway we went in sat down chatted for some time. She gave me some of that Goan sweet that Amma had once bought and we chatted off happily sitting on wooden stools in front of the table in a large spacious kitchen which had windows opening on to the garden. After a while the dogs started barking. Someone had come to take their fridge which had stopped working. So she emptied it and I kina helped her. Then her mom came and they took the fridge away.
Her mom seemed very nice as well. We chatted off normally like Amma and me or something. All the interiors were somehow very Goan. So Anoopa’s been doing this and that ..some research, part time jobs, some courses, I dunno what all.
So she has got admission plus scholarship in the university of Nottingham. That’s real cool. She’s (from) all over the place I believe-Kerala, Tamilnadu, Goa, Karnataka ..everywhere.
Anyway once the fridge went mother and daughter thought about how they should rearrange the kitchen. Anoopa said later, probably because I was there. So I kinda thought I shouldn’t disturb too much and said I should make a move.
I could’ve asked if she was planning to bathe the dogs. I’d have loved to help. Its okay… though she said we should visit again and I said I would, will I? I dunno. I don’t think so. I didn’t feel awkward today but I hate to impose myself on others. I generally don’t like taking the initiative to visit people’s homes.

(I went with her once again…as she kind of drooled over the dogs once again. I think one of the dogs had littered and the puppies were cute)

Impressions of TISS

Sept 2006
This is the first published poem of hers that I saw- though she preferred it to be anonymous most people knew who wrote it…because of one famous occasion where she actually jumped out of a window!

Impressions of TISS

The tall green trees
The rainy days
Clothes which won’t dry
Umbrellas unfound
Blessings from heaven
Plonk! On your head!

People everywhere
Oh so many everywhere!
The tiring ‘Hi’s
The painful smiles
So much ‘nice’ness
Somewhat fake

Classes overcrowded
With windows like doors
The urge to jump out
Amidst the tall trees
The thought of attendance
That makes one sit back

Purring powerful cats
Who fight the helpless dog
A family of monkeys,
That jumps from tree to tree
Infinite birds
Infinite shit and pee

Oh what talk!
Big words, Big thoughts
Marginalisation
Human rights
& what else can it be
But HE-GE-MO-NY?

(UNMAAD, The TISS Annual College Magazine of 2006-07,p46)