Class Heirarchies

This is certainly typical of Gowri -to 'apply' what shes learning. I have seen the emergence of heirarchies in many situations!
Monday 16th January 2006
Class hierarchies!
A lot of my insecurities, inferiorities and beliefs in my own inability go back to my days in school.
Our class in school was rigidly stratified. There was a definite hierarchy and unconsciously everybody knew their place in it. Everybody knew who the ‘coolest kids’ were, who the richest were, who the smartest were, who the fastest were, who the least cool, who the least smart, dumbest, least intelligent, least talented and who the in between ones were.
There were numerous groups-one ‘cool posh’ group and many smaller less cool, less posh groups.
I was usually in the least cool group. I SUCKED BIG TIME at sports, and preferred playing the swings. Football, basketball, volleyball, I HATED all of them.
If this stratification system were the caste system I would definitely have been a dalit. I belonged to a group. In our group we all had more or less equal status. We didn’t particularly feel inferior for our interactions with the rest of our class were rather limited. We had our own politics. We excommunicated many people from our groups. None of us played sports or wore fashionable clothes or studied well or ‘flaunted’ our money. Or at least most of us didn’t. We excommunicated those who did one or more of these things (most of the time).
Like all stratified systems, our class did have mobility-group mobility, individual mobility, vertical mobility, horizontal mobility. Within groups, different people gained prominence at different times. People were ‘kicked out’ of groups. Others were ‘taken in’. When one group kicked somebody out another group gave them refuge.
There were a lot of politics a lot of jealousies involved in the whole thing. Whenever a group saw an individual get close to another group, a lot of cheep tactics and/ or direct talk were used to expel that person from the group…and before that there was always a lot of plotting and scheming. A friend and I had to use a lot of mental energy to expel three others. Boy that was weird.
All our interpersonal interactions were characterised by ideas of hierarchy-superiority and inferiority. There was a certain sense of violence and competiveness in each and every one of us in spite of …or may be because of the school’s lofty ideals of ‘no competition’ and equality and learning at one’s own pace. Perhaps the very fact that competiveness was suppressed and repressed made it rebound with a greater magnitude. Perhaps it came like a secret volcano more intense because it was secret.
Or are hierarchies, comparisons feelings of superiority and inferiority just normal natural things that happen everywhere especially if equality is not thrust upon the people involved and they are allowed to do what they want and given total freedom? Is that probably why school had so many of these differences and groups and stuff? Probably!
Probably everywhere except in schools where severe indoctrination of ideals such as equality are carried out, army style, these differences exist. Or probably, in other larger schools there were people from so many people from diverse backgrounds that people actually saw others’ sufferings and got sensitised to it rather than just see other ‘okly’ off / rich kids and see who’s richer.
May be when you see a lot of deprivation, you tend to help rather than flaunt. But when you don’t see too much of differences, you see the tiniest of variations and you magnify them into mountains. Maybe that is why my next school had a less rigid stratification coz when all is said and done it catered to a larger variety of students. Though elitist it was not so elitist.

BOTH ORDINARY AND EXTRAORDINARY

I enjoyed these bits and hope you do too!

Tuesday 10th January 2006
On extra-ordinariness
I’ve just been reading about Daphne du Maurier and her identity crisis, her desire to be male, her dissatisfaction with her mom and grand-mom whom she calls ‘basic type’ and it strikes me that every artist or writer who’s really shone - out-shone all others - everybody who has made it to ‘immortality’ – to that ‘greatness’ for which I once longed…actually continue to long for in a more subconscious way …comes with suffering difficulty trauma madness …and you know what ? I don’t have that dose of insanity which could lead to ‘immortality’.
Though I am glad of it and I do hope with all my heart that I never have to be subject to such traumas… I don’t think I could survive them, really…there is a part of me that mourns for the fact that I know that most probably I might never attain that ‘immortality’, that ‘greatness’.
Obviously , to get something, one has to give something and only when one has given a lot … when one has suffered a lot and overcome the suffering … can one even aspire for ‘immortality’.
But I still want to write though my logical mind blocks out the imagination that comes so easily to schizophrenics and the other mentally unstable people. I dunno. I’ve always had a fascination for insanity, for madness. I’ve always had a bizarre craving to be ‘different’ and since insane people are different, to be ‘insane’ and therefore special, unique. But I’ve always been normal –boringly so-like ‘thayir saadham’ – curd rice-that’s how I’ve been…mediocre in every sense.
In colour, in height, intelligence, ability...everything except self confidence and self image, both of which are extraordinarily low. Since that I know I try to boost it, so that even that becomes moderate –normal. And the MOST normal thing I have is the desire to be ‘abnormal’ or ‘super normal’ and my belief in my own ‘special’ nature.

Thursday 12th January 2006
On future plans
How can I be such a scatterbrained gitlering (?) idiot! I stun myself.
Now Appa is convinced is so supportive. He tells me to focus on Anthropology MA. He is convinced and so is Amma,that it is my interest. Is it? I wonder…

Wednesday 8th February 2006
On great marks
By the way, I got my marks today. 80% overall. Highest was 45/50 in social psychology. It shocks me to know that I really got more marks in the paper I wrote maximum in!
You know, I always told everyone that it was like that in Nizam’s. But I never believed that it was like that for me…coz I never really wrote very lengthy papers but always managed pretty decent marks. So I thought I was above that rule… that they saw a certain quality in writing. I was naïve I guess. Or I remain a poor judge of myself and my performance…and I don’t quite know which is worse!

Growing Up!

Dear readers,
Greetings for the new year from Dubai.
Am here for a brief holiday and it is indeed a magical world here. Nice to be with my brother’s family!
Thanks for the responses. It encourages me to continue. As far as I can recall the birthday bash described here was not shared with me and I do not recall any ‘permission’ seeking!
Anyway I’m glad she had her fun.
Bye
Moichee.



9th January 2006
Birthday Bash
It was my friend N’s birthday yesterday. We went to her house and her mom had made chocolate cake. There were five of us (including N). N turned 21.she said she could legally buy us a drink. At first I thought it was a joke. But I have been wanting to taste alcohol for a while now. I wanted to try alcohol and cigarette before I left Nizams. So I was also a little more than willing. Since T was unwilling I convinced her as well. I guess it’s just to feel a little cool. I dunno. Anyways, when T and I expressed our doubts, a said Bacardi breeze is nothing, it has only 0.4% alcohol and it won’t make anyone drunk.
I was afraid since I had to drive back. But I thought 0.4% alcohol couldn’t really do too much anyway. I had already told Amma I was planning to try all this. So I kind of had her permission and Appa believes in experimentation and stuff. So I don’t really have reason to feel guilty. But I did when I came back and I didn’t tell Appa. T actually told her Dad and he just smiled. Guess I’ll tell Appa this evening .Dunno if I should, if it is truly that important.

Anyway we went to this place (park) called The Lotus Pond. It was REALLY BEAUTIFUL. The trees the lake the birds. It was AMAZING. That’s where we tried to booze…we did also. Actually it was lemon and orange juice mixed in some kind of tonic. It wasn’t great or tasty or anything, but it was fun. After that we had noodles fried rice and Manchurian and I came home.

Field Trip
Yesterday we returned from Ranipet. We had a nice trip and I got to take many nice photographs. Saw the Delhi gate at Arcot and the driver claimed that there was a tunnel from there to Delhi! Saw Robert Clive market too.
Went to amma’s friends house for dinner… met a pati there who was real nice. She wrote a cook book for her grandchildren. They were quite nice and normal. Actually, I had developed quite a caste prejudice thanks to thatha and our caste obsession in Nizams. So it was pretty surprising to find them all so nice.
Anyways came to Madras and visited my uncle aunt grand mom etc. Also visited Jai uncles house and met Ved and Hasita.The train was late and am feeling sleepy now.

On Problematic Parents

Dear readers
Wish you all a happy new year!
With this post I complete the snippets from her diary for 2005. I found some of them extremely tough to read and accept- and some of them gave me great happiness. For me it has been a wonderful way to find solace and support every now and then. I now plan to go to the diary of 2006
Before I do that could you please comment on what this is doing for you and offer your suggestion on how it can be done better.
Thanking you all in advance for you views
Affectionately
Moichee


2nd December 2005
On Problematic Parents
Jeez! I used tot think that my friend S was an exception to the rule…one of the few people who suffered who had REAL problems and troubles from her parents as against my illusory ones. But slowly I learnt that most people have troubles with their parents.
I am really lucky to have the parents I do… and yet even with such nice supportive helpful parents ….who if nothing else does not TRAUMATISE me…I manage to find fault with them and magnify their smallest defects into gargantuan proportions. I dunno. Just look at all the others. They have so many problems and yet they strive to solve them and better their lives. I have everything smooth and easy and yet I tell myself, “Oh life is TOUGH!” Learned helplessness. I wan to be helpless so I can shirk responsibility. I am 19 and behave like at max -12 years old.
Anyways talking about others problems…
No need to go back to middle school and my friend and her Chaachi...dont know much about it.
One friend’s mother ill-treats her –comparing her to her brother, neglecting her, suspecting her, making her feel unloved, all this happening in an INTENSE manner. Her dada didn’t care…too involved in the office.
Another case. Loving mother away from home, dad not understanding, nothing in common, doesn’t speak to her. She wants to go away from home, tries to escape constantly.
And with another friend, closed environment, narrow thoughts, overly conservative, involving her in all the family fights and problems. She has to conform to the conservative norms at home while she comes to school and college.

Oof, it’s horrid and I crib!

FEMININE, CARING AND ADULT

20th November 2005

On Becoming Feminine
That HORRID worry, that awful realisation, that I am so much like those petite, feminine, motherly, obsessed women…that part of femaleness that I so detest-that cranky fussy obsession that “I am such a good homemaker”
The obsession with people around, that frustration of not having actualised one’s potential, the uncertainty, and therefore the outward “I know everything-what’s right for everyone” attitude. JEEZ, I possess all these traits that I’ve detested in the “pushy mothers”.
God I’m scared I might just be that. …I must prevent such a CALAMITY from EVER striking me. Please make me a sensible, balanced, THICK-SKINNED practical, intelligent, sociable interested and interesting person. PLEASE GIVE ME THE SENSE NOT TO UNNECESSARILY SACRIFICE ANYTHING FOR OTHERS AND BELIEVE MYSELF TO BE HOLIER THAN THOU. I see the roots of those traits in me, Heck! I shall uproot them now itself- verroodu azhtthiduven! (written in Tamizh)☺

22nd November,
On Trust
Caring about others, feeling for others –showing genuine concern and empathy-it is not an easy thing. For being warm AND helpful a comfort one needs within oneself –that self assurance that sense of worth within one’s self which enables one to see things external-things including people- as worthwhile. Caring for one’s self enough so as to be able to care for others. Trusting one’s self enough to trust others. That is important. Can one impose trust? I guess it has to come from within you. Was that what Vanita teacher (in school) was speaking about all those years ago when I switched off my attention? Peutetre (perhaps). That self assurance that confidence coming out of trust –a true confidence ,not something put on-is what makes some people so magnetic-like Navika, Pratima, Anupa,Amma-they have that in them that basic security, its really cool!

8th December 2005
A Balanced Responsible Adult
Who would want to be a balanced responsible adult…it almost seems like a bad word to me. It seems great to be angry, sad, a depressed teenager, a traumatised child, a free child, a rebellious adolescent…anything but a balanced responsible adult. But I dunno, maybe even if it is boring I should try it out.
How boring! And it is not JUST boring…to be responsible is a bloody nuisance. Why should one be responsible? Why should one care? Why should one take the blame? Its crazy. Actually its anything but crazy...it’s crazy only because it is so sane. But when I or anybody else (especially the later) tells me I ‘must’ do something I just WONT. Though I know I must be a responsible and balanced adult I probably wont. But that also means I probably will!

Travels, Self esteem and Imagination

October 23rd 2005
Holidays and travels (continued)
Early next morning we left for Thiruvidaimarudur (TDR) by car. We went through a lot of places.Poompuhar, Puducheri, Tranquebar, Karaikkal and ate some stuff at Muhtupillai’s bakery.
Thirumaichur –where an Iyengar women (known to a cousin) donated a “golusu” (anklets) to the Goddess Lalithambikai after a dream. When she was in the U S. the Goddess appeared in her dream saying she had everything but needed a golusu. When she actually made the anklets and came to Thirumaichur to offer it, she found there was actually a gap in the idol and she could put on the ornament.
Strange! Why did this Goddess choose a not so devout Vaishnava woman who hadn’t even heard of Thirumaichur ever before! Shiva’s wife chose a Vaishnava woman to extract jewels from-funny.
Anyways we went to one more temple and then to Pattiswaram to light a certain number of lamps and do an abishekam. We also did Annadaanam –Idly and chai daanam to the beggars outside.
In Poompuhar we actually saw the Cauvery with so much water. The museum and stuff was too good and it was great to be on a beach and collect shells.
The driver was called James. I kept thinking “James, coming bloody soon”! The impact of movies on aam person’s dimamkh!
(I am not sure which movie this refers to-LI)
We had dinner on the way and reached TDR by night fall.
Then two days in TDR…there was water in the river...bathed twice with Maami. She cooked all the meals everything right from tea and coffee. That was an AMAZING arrangement. AWESOME food.
(She hasn’t written any more about the trip LI)

October 27th 2005
On self esteem and imagination
That reminds me of my ASTONISHINGLY low score in self concept test in Psychology practical. I got 132 while 176 was the average for women and 179 for men. And guess what, I felt PROUD. I felt WORTHY. I felt like I had more quality. I dunno, it’s a weird thing, how one prides oneself in underestimating oneself. It feels great in a twisted way.

Yet I have the desire to write stories. But not the sustained interest to make one single coherent tale! Or the confidence or the self esteem.
Talking about imagination it, comes at weird times at the slightest provocation. was sitting on the veranda and enjoying the CRAZY wind … saw the purplish tinge behind the leaves and thought of the purple skies pouring rain and raging seas, the fisherman trying to save his life. The image just comes … it a simple thought grown complex as one writes it. I hope I get many more such images and I hope I get stories and write them.

Holidays and travel

23rd October 2005
Holidays and Travel
It’s great to write again. Was off for 15 days-Madras, TDR, Mysore and Bangalore. Was great. Came back on 20th… There’s loads of stuff to write about.
First Madras. On the train to Madras there was this really old couple and the man kept talking to (Muthu) Thatha. Then Thatha shocked him a little. He was all excited about speaking to Thatha and there was this fat fair lady on the waiting list who totally took advantage of the old man’s chivalry. His wife kept asking him to eat. So he screamed “No way...I’m not hungry” or an equivalent. And the fat fair lady said quickly (before he could change his mind) “Ok, I’ll eat it if it’s going waste” .Guy doesn’t know what to do .Says “Good, that’s a very good attitude”. “Yemi muhamattam lekonda thintarante chaala manchigundi” (written in Telugu) i.e. When people eat without any fuss it feels very good.
In Madras went to Balram Thatha’s house. (Her aunt Mathangi’s father’s house). B Thatha was real glad I returned his John Grisham and said I was the first person to return a book borrowed from him. He had an eye operation that evening.
Then we went to (thatha’s cousin) Thambu mama’s house. It was real nice meeting him after ALL THESE YEARS. He’s just the same. Moham Athai was really nice too.
Then on to Lakshmi mami’s. As we entered we saw Sumi Akka enter with a ‘ching chong’ girl. So I had the honour of meeting Kunya. So Lakshmi mami was like “Kunya, Sukanya, how nice!” This cute little girl is from Arunachal, a tribal, studying VIth standard in Kalakshetra on full scholarship. She has four sisters and a brother, speaks and understands Tamizh PERFECTLY and has an immense affinity for vambu and kurumbu (gossip and mischief). “Vambaaa…?” I’ll never forget that!
Loves Chandramukhi and imitates Jyothika’s huge eyed expression so well in her kutti (small) ching chong eyes. Speaks “proper Chennai Yenglish”. Has watched all the latest Tamil movies sings and dances beautifully, suffers from travel sickness and can’t go home for short holidays. Being a family friend of Vibhu’s she stays with them for short holidays.
Believe Sumi akka’s servant on first seeing Kunya came to Sumi and asked
“Amma, is it our Samyu?” (Samyu is Sumi’s daughter).
“Why do you ask?”
“No, I just wondered how she went there so dark and came back so fair!” (Karuppaa poi veluppaa vandidichey?) Boy, did we laugh, it was so funny…the idea that Rishi Valley could actually be one fairness camp where they’d paint children white and send them back home. Lots of aratti, pethal (silly chatter) and giggles that day.
Went to Kapali temple. The golu bommai (dolls for dasserah) stalls were truly awesome. I’ve never seem so many in one place.
(To be continued)